Welcome to another episode of my newly not so acclaimed, Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!
This breakdown is “Valentine” Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!
Valentine is a 2001 American slasher film directed by Jamie Blanks and starring Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, and Katherine Heigl. Loosely based on the novel of the same name by Tom Savage, the film follows a group of women in San Francisco who are stalked by a killer wearing a Cupid mask.
Released theatrically in February 2001, the film was critically panned, with critics deeming it too similar to 1980s slasher films. The film earned $36.7 million on a $10 million budget.
Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!
At a junior high school St. Valentine’s Day dance in 1988 San Francisco, Jeremy Melton, an outcast student, asks four popular girls to dance one by one as they go in and out of the opening credits.
The first three girls, Shelley, Lily, and Paige reject him spitefully. It is bringing back all of my middle school nightmares, minus the girls part (just kidding, I only danced with the girls back in the day to block them from the idiotic boys). The fourth girl, Kate, politely responds “maybe later”. Their overweight friend Dorothy accepts Jeremy’s invitation and they proceed to secretly make out underneath the bleachers. When the school bully Joe Tulga and his friends discover them, Dorothy claims that Jeremy sexually assaulted her which is completely uncalled for. Joe and his friends dump a batch of fruit punch on him, then publicly strip and severely beat Jeremy, and his nose starts bleeding under the distress. It is later revealed Jeremy was expelled and eventually transferred to a reform school. Sad. Look what you did!
Thirteen years later, in 2001, Shelley played by Katherine Heigl, known for being on Gray’s Anatomy goes on a third person speaking Jason, as he arrogantly talks about himself. She was hating every minute of it as she wrote the words “help me” on her food. Like, she would assume that somebody was going to fly in and save her? The check comes, and like normal idiotic men, couldn’t afford the tab. He LITERALLY breaks down who paid for what to help him pay a lesser bill. Great first and last date! She leaves to go study. She is now a medical student at UCLA, is at the morgue one evening studying for her medical exam. She talked to the dead body she named Chad, and as she was studying the parts, she talked to it stating she liked the “silent type,”. Me too Katherine…me too.
She becomes interrupted by a noise and walks to the locker room After receiving a vulgar Valentine’s card in her locker, she heads back into the room and the dead body moved and discovered that Chad was moved. She turned back to notice that who she thought was Chad has now disappeared. Uh-oh, didn’t know that was about zombies! Shelley suddenly was attacked by a man in a trench coat and Cupid mask, which is much more reasonable than the baby face in “Happy Death Day,”. This mask is actually creepy, and slightly alluring. She is cornered in a cooler used to store cadavers, where she attempts to hide in a body bag to set herself up for her untimely death. They don’t have to do much work, its all done for the police! Much to our surprise, the killer finds her and slits her throat.
For a moment I thought the killer was Seth Rogan for having regrets for knocking her up…but I then figured that he would be too stoned to do that! The killer’s nose bleeds as she dies. It must be dry in there! You would assume that a cooler would have some sort of moisture to preserve the dead bodies.
Paige, played by Denise Richards from the more recent seasons of the Real Housewives of Orange County, and Kate, played by Marley Shelton who went on to play the famous Deputy Judy Hicks in Scream 4 head to a speed dating night. Paige encourages Kate to move on from Adam who continuously disappoints her with her drinking habits. Why not play Russian roulette with a bunch of random crazy and desperate men. We have to give them credit, because none of these closet cases had Grindr. So you can’t blame them! There was only one close to normal candidate, but Paige like the best friend that she is took him away from her. I love friends! Kate then gets the call that Shelley has been murdered. What a fun night, ruined!
At Shelley’s funeral, Kate walks out with Adam played by the dreamy and drool worthy David Boreanaz from Bones and Angel…woof. Of course, she finds a bottle of alcohol in his front seat. I think a box of chocolates would do. He expresses that he is trying his best to control his habits. In the famous words of Marsha Brady, “Sure Jan.”
Kate, Lily, who is played by Jessica Cauffiel who was the Elle Wood’s best friend in Legally Blonde who gave Professor Montoya a lap dance…luckily, Paige, and Dorothy who is played by Jessica Brooke Capshaw who also went to Gray’s Anatomy are questioned. They admit to not having seen her in some time after she moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
Dorothy gets home to her super expensive mansion owned by her rich father. She receives an obscene card with the signature of JM. Her boyfriend, Campbell, shows up and loses his apartment and temporarily moves in with her at her father’s large mansion. Her stepmother who is a much younger mail order bride wannabe who opposes the decision. They fight, like any rebellious daughter would do to their newly unemployable hooker of a stepmom, who now doesn’t have to work hard for them coins!
We then cut to Kate, taking a shower as she gets ready for work. She hears a noise and checks it out wrapped in her oversized towel…pretty much a blanket. After noticing nothing out of the ordinary, she tries to turn the shower back on and noticed that the water has been shut off. She checked the fridge for her bottled water. Only an eighth is in there…who does that?! Who leaves that little water in a bottle and saves it?! She was left with no other choice but to wash the shampoo off in the toilet.
I hope she flushed before doing that, or else she would have poo to go with her shampoo. She dries her hair off and finds her door open and overhears the elevator and finds the cupid mask keeping the door ajar. Her creepy neighbor Gary then comes onto her with some jank AF Dr. Seuss wannabe rhymes. “You look great, Kate.” And keeps going. He does it for three or four more times until she says “You’re scary, Gary.” Personally, I would go with this rhyme. “F*** you, Gary!” I’m such a poet! First time.
Lily and Paige then watch the video dating movies. I had to continuously remind myself that this was 2001 and Myspace wasn’t even created yet, so I had to excuse these desperate attempts to find a valentine. She couldn’t even go out with Tom! I do miss seeing him on my top seven list. Lily then receives an obscene card and a box of chocolates and finds out they were filled with maggots after taking a bite. First of all, that takes a lot of work to create these candies with that filling second of all, I would prefer maggots in my chocolates than almonds…just an opinion. Keep your nutty chocolates to yourself!
As the girls attend the exhibit of Lily’s artist boyfriend Max, who definitely could benefit from a haircut for sure. The exhibit is a Valentine’s day theme with video screens of men and women’s mouths saying silly comments in the form of a maze. Groundbreaking. Lily becomes lost at the exhibit after Max invites a second girl to join them in their make out session. I guess she is not into sharing.
The killer appears, who proceeds to shoot her repeatedly with arrows until she falls several floors into a dumpster. I found this kill to be very poetic with the cupid theme. I just wish that she didn’t give her lucky scrunchie to Elle Woods. She probably would’ve survived her murder if she had her lucky charm. What a shame!
Of course, the cupid’s nose bleeds again because he didn’t have any tampons to plug it. I’m using a “She’s the Man” reference where Amanda Bynes uses a tampon to stop a nosebleed. I normally don’t do menstrual jokes. Deal with it.
By the way, I am posting the picture of Amanda Bynes in this blog from “She’s the Man,” to prove a point that I didn’t think of the nosebleeds as a period joke. Don’t get mad at me…get mad at Amanda Bynes. Now, back to Valentine!
The rest of the group meet Campbell’s bitter ex-girlfriend Ruthie, who accuses him of being a con artist.
Adam and Kate meet thereafter at a bar to shoot the shit, and of course she still has reservations of his drinking problems. You go girl!
The next day, the detective questions Kate, Paige, and Dorothy and notice that they received a card from Jeremy Melton, who they assume is the person that sent them the messages. They have a hunch that he is back for revenge after their bitchy middle school crap that they pulled on him to make him go cray-cray. Once the detective left, Dorothy admits to Jeremy not sexually assaulting her at the dance and blamed her “former pudgy” disposition as a crutch for her stupid lie. Let’s not blame the way the good lord made you for your crappy decisions. You sure didn’t use that excuse for that crappy hair job!
That evening, Kate talks to Adam about the Jeremy Melton hypothesis. She finally invites him for a night cap, but he declines this time. Probably to come over to my house…I love Bones. I love Booth.
The following day at the police station, they still try to crack the Jeremy Melton code with the detective. They run through ridiculous photo rendering possibilities making him look like he aged horribly. Come on police, some people grow up to be hot! After much discussion, the assumption of Jeremy Melton is that he is Campbell, frustrating Dorothy as she stormed out. After Kate followed, the sleazeball detective hits on Paige which is very professional. I guess he needed more ammunition in his gun.
Meanwhile, a hot iron is left on in Kate’s apartment (very irresponsible by the way!). The cupid takes it and finds creepy Gary in her room as he pulls a rocky horror moment and tries on her panties and thigh high stockings before getting burned on the face and bashed in the head repeatedly. At least he was all hot and spicy in black in lacy! Just the way I want to leave this world.
Kate comes home to Adam outside of her building and they exchange a brief hello. She feels bad about neglecting him and gives him a coupon for “Free TLC,” I know it means tender love and care…but I grew up with straight brothers and all I hear is “Tables, Ladders, and Chairs!”. We watched a lot of wrestling growing up. I can be butch if I want to!
As Valentine’s Day approaches, Dorothy is planning a party at her family’s estate. On the morning of the party, Dorothy gifts Campbell with a cheap ass watch…probably from Kohls, to express her love. By the way, I have nothing against Kohls. They have great options for your everyday style! He then gifts her with a golden cupid necklace, that didn’t even come close to Kohls…more like a gumball machine. He then tries to clean out Dorothy’s family accounts, like Ruthie predicted earlier. Scumbag. He is interrupted to assist with lighting the pilot light in the basement, where the killer murders Campbell with an ax…Probably wearing axe body spray when he died too. It was that time period where it was a thing!
The party begins with bitchin rock music, making me regret that I didn’t have friends like this in my twenties and questioning all of my life choices. Kate finds Dorothy eating an entire platter of chicken wings. They assume he has simply left her. Adam shows up with his stupid IOU coupon for that TLC. He can now piledrive her through the table after hitting her in the head with a chair…Damn you wrestling!
Paige finds the creep from speed dating that she kindly stole from Kate and lures her upstairs for some privacy. They start to do straight people things (I dunno…work on a car? Is that what straight people do?) He pulls down his pants to show off his anatomy. Paige was unimpressed with his sleazy behavior, but plays along with his stupidity. She ties him to the bed and blindfolds him. I figured she had a nasty side…I mean, she WAS married to Charlie Sheen. *shrugs shoulders*. She gets back at the douchebag and pours hot candle wax onto his member. He DID ask for her to wax it…and then walked out to leave him alone.
After Paige reunites with Kate and Dorothy, in comes raging bitch Ruthie. She makes Dorothy’s night worse by calling out her newly cheap gift from Campbell was actually her. So, she has the crappy sense of jewelry! I got you! Dorothy is aggravated that more evidence is piling up that he never loved her, only her money. Paige and Kate forcefully escort her out of the building like good friends. Paige needed to be left alone and grabs a bottle of champagne and finds her own quiet time. Kate then gets hit on by creepy Max, who revealed that Lily never made it to LA. Of course, wasn’t really focused on his missing girlfriend for much longer. He was prepared to move on.
Ruthie sneaks back into the mansion, and rummages through Campbell’s belonging and takes his Kohls watch before being interrupted. She sneaks through the lower level of the building into an overly amazing plaid den, which I want. She finds the killer dragging the newly killed maid with a nosebleed, yet again. The killer could’ve at least asked the maid to clean up his nose before she died! Rude! Ruthie runs into the spa and hides under a bench in the sauna. She stays there for a good couple of minutes, which is longer than most victims who assume that the killer leaves within seconds. She finds Campbells body, and then tries to sneak out, tiptoeing through the loud tiled floor to not cause any sort of noise whatsoever! She soon gets hurled by the killer through the shower, ends up with a bloody face. Some of her blood must’ve gotten on the killer’s mask because there was some blood dripping down it’s nose (lol). Her head eventually gets thrusted through one of the remaining shards, impaling her neck.
Kate now finds Adam taking shots, committing very hard to his twelve step plan of sobriety, angering her. Then we cut to Paige having her quiet time in the hot tub in this greenhouse like room. It’s actually kind of cool. I’m all about the earth! The killer sneaks in and interrupts her. Of course, she saw nothing but a rose that was placed by her champagne bottle, causing her to become concerned.
She looks through the amazing greenery, where much to our surprise the killer was hiding until he throws Paige into the hot tub and locking her inside. She panics while trying to find a way out. The nose bleed happens again, which at this point the killer needs to see an ENT doctor to get this shit cauterized. He grabs a drill and starts trying to attack her until there was a successful impaling of her shoulder, which caused her to go under before having the drill thrown in to electrocute her and shut off all the power to end the party. What a party pooper! I will also say that this is also poetic that in the beginning of the movie, when younger Paige rejected Jeremy Melton, she said that “She would rather be boiled alive.”
I love it!
The party disintegrates when the power cuts out, and Dorothy and Kate argue over who the killer is. Kate claims that Campbell could be a suspect because they do not know anything about him or where he is, while Dorothy counters by accusing Adam, Kate’s recovering alcoholic on-off boyfriend, who is now a journalist. Dorothy feels attacked for being the “fat girl” of the group and storms off for not getting any sort of decency…which I don’t see at all. I understand this in the real world. I just think that she is comfortable playing little miss victim. Just saying!
After being told by Lily’s boyfriend that she did not arrive in Los Angeles as planned, Kate realizes she is also probably dead and calls the detective assigned to the case. After dialing the number, she follows the sound of a ringtone outside the house and discovers the detective’s severed head in the pond surrounded by gorgeous lily pads. I would’ve just hung out there for the night if the party was still going on! Screw all them drinkers. Kate becomes startled and runs back to the now empty mansion.
Kate becomes convinced that Adam is actually Jeremy, disguised by reconstructive surgery, being the only one left in the house. To her surprise, he asks her to dance. Kate becomes frightened, knees him in the groin and flees. She runs through the house, being creepily chased by Adam as he quickly recovers from his smashed privates. He must have balls of steel! Drool!
She soon discovers the corpses of Paige and Ruthie. Well, the maid can’t clean this shit up, now can’t she?! She locates a gun, which is perfect training for her before she becomes deputy sheriff of Woodsboro (Scream 4).
The Cupid masked killer jumps out from the darkness and sends them both tumbling down the winding staircase like a perfect pair of slinkies. The killer arises and is shot to death by Adam. As a shocked and confused Kate apologizes profusely, Adam pulls off the mask to reveal Dorothy. GASP!
How could she?! Adam forgives Kate, explaining that childhood trauma can lead to lifelong anger and some people are eventually forced to act on that anger, referring to Dorothy. As Kate and Adam wait for the police to arrive, they hug while Adam says he has always loved her. Moments later, when Kate closes her eyes, his nose begins to bleed, revealing that he is in fact Jeremy Melton and the true killer, framing the dead Dorothy for his crimes.
So, the lesson here is that plastic reconstructive surgery or even just an amazing groom job can turn the most unfortunate of appearances into straight up hotties…just ask Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality. And even the worst of past experiences could make anybody do the craziest of things…just ask Sandra Bullock in The Proposal.
Also, Adam needs a new nose! I’m sick of him getting blood on my carpet!
Let’s hand out some awards.
The Haunted Hunk award with no surprise will go to Adam. He will be my fifth ex husband…I already have that planned, and there is nothing you all can say that will stop me! His nosebleeds may be a turnoff, but after an ENT doctor and a humidifier…I’m sure we will be just fine!
The Killer Slay award-aka best kill- will go to Paige. I loved the suspense of her be locked inside a hot tub and eventually drilled and electrocuted. She played the promiscuous one, and she got drilled…and boiled alive.
The Basic Beheading award-aka worst kill- will go to the detective. I wish that they showed a little more of his story on how he was murdered. They show him calling Kate, telling her they caught the wrong suspect and that he was on his way…to no body. That is no what to get ahead in this movie!
Rating- 7.5 stars out of 10 *******
I don’t have the ability to use half-asterisks.
As much as the general public didn’t like this movie, I did for the most part. I love when there is some sort of tie in to a reference. The cupid kills Lily with arrows. Paige would rather be boiled alive than dance with Jeremy Melton, which she got her wish. It was pretty obvious who the killer was, which is fine in this case because:
- It’s David Boreanaz.
- There was a lot of cheesy slasher elements that made it forgivable.
- It’s David Boreanaz.
If I could give any criticism in the movie, they could’ve tied up a few loose ends with certain kills like the maid or detective. The maid is forgivable, since she only has one line and is too busy cleaning up after entitled rich people. The detective could’ve had the sleazeball ending that we would all love to see!
If you have seen or heard of this movie…comment below about what you like or dislike!
And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be taking a break with all of the sweet Valentine candies and move onto something I would like more than that for the holiday. Stuffed animals. Since I don’t have any of those, we will just have to settle for the amazingly cult classic, “Child’s Play”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.
Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?
Until next time…keep slaying!
Oh, and Happy Valentines Day!