Movie Beatdown-Valentine

Welcome to another episode of my newly not so acclaimed, Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Valentine” Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Valentine is a 2001 American slasher film directed by Jamie Blanks and starring Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley SheltonJessica Capshaw, and Katherine Heigl. Loosely based on the novel of the same name by Tom Savage, the film follows a group of women in San Francisco who are stalked by a killer wearing a Cupid mask.

Released theatrically in February 2001, the film was critically panned, with critics deeming it too similar to 1980s slasher films. The film earned $36.7 million on a $10 million budget.

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

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At a junior high school St. Valentine’s Day dance in 1988 San Francisco, Jeremy Melton, an outcast student, asks four popular girls to dance one by one as they go in and out of the opening credits.

The first three girls, Shelley, Lily, and Paige reject him spitefully. It is bringing back all of my middle school nightmares, minus the girls part (just kidding, I only danced with the girls back in the day to block them from the idiotic boys). The fourth girl, Kate, politely responds “maybe later”. Their overweight friend Dorothy accepts Jeremy’s invitation and they proceed to secretly make out underneath the bleachers. When the school bully Joe Tulga and his friends discover them, Dorothy claims that Jeremy sexually assaulted her which is completely uncalled for. Joe and his friends dump a batch of fruit punch on him, then publicly strip and severely beat Jeremy, and his nose starts bleeding under the distress. It is later revealed Jeremy was expelled and eventually transferred to a reform school. Sad. Look what you did!

Jeremy Melton | Villains Wiki | Fandom

Thirteen years later, in 2001, Shelley played by Katherine Heigl, known for being on Gray’s Anatomy goes on a third person speaking Jason, as he arrogantly talks about himself. She was hating every minute of it as she wrote the words “help me” on her food. Like, she would assume that somebody was going to fly in and save her? The check comes, and like normal idiotic men, couldn’t afford the tab. He LITERALLY breaks down who paid for what to help him pay a lesser bill. Great first and last date! She leaves to go study. She is now a medical student at UCLA, is at the morgue one evening studying for her medical exam. She talked to the dead body she named Chad, and as she was studying the parts, she talked to it stating she liked the “silent type,”. Me too Katherine…me too.

Movie Review: Valentine (2001). I think it's pretty safe to say this is… |  by Patrick J Mullen | As Vast as Space and as Timeless as Infinity | Medium

She becomes interrupted by a noise and walks to the locker room After receiving a vulgar Valentine’s card in her locker, she heads back into the room and the dead body moved and discovered that Chad was moved. She turned back to notice that who she thought was Chad has now disappeared. Uh-oh, didn’t know that was about zombies! Shelley suddenly was attacked by a man in a trench coat and Cupid mask, which is much more reasonable than the baby face in “Happy Death Day,”. This mask is actually creepy, and slightly alluring. She is cornered in a cooler used to store cadavers, where she attempts to hide in a body bag to set herself up for her untimely death. They don’t have to do much work, its all done for the police! Much to our surprise, the killer finds her and slits her throat.

Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

For a moment I thought the killer was Seth Rogan for having regrets for knocking her up…but I then figured that he would be too stoned to do that! The killer’s nose bleeds as she dies. It must be dry in there! You would assume that a cooler would have some sort of moisture to preserve the dead bodies.

Valentine Revisited: A Fascinating Post-Scream Slasher – /Film

Paige, played by Denise Richards from the more recent seasons of the Real Housewives of Orange County, and Kate, played by Marley Shelton who went on to play the famous Deputy Judy Hicks in Scream 4 head to a speed dating night. Paige encourages Kate to move on from Adam who continuously disappoints her with her drinking habits. Why not play Russian roulette with a bunch of random crazy and desperate men. We have to give them credit, because none of these closet cases had Grindr. So you can’t blame them! There was only one close to normal candidate, but Paige like the best friend that she is took him away from her. I love friends! Kate then gets the call that Shelley has been murdered. What a fun night, ruined!

At Shelley’s funeral, Kate walks out with Adam played by the dreamy and drool worthy David Boreanaz from Bones and Angel…woof. Of course, she finds a bottle of alcohol in his front seat. I think a box of chocolates would do. He expresses that he is trying his best to control his habits. In the famous words of Marsha Brady, “Sure Jan.”

Valentine (2001)

Kate, Lily, who is played by Jessica Cauffiel who was the Elle Wood’s best friend in Legally Blonde who gave Professor Montoya a lap dance…luckily, Paige, and Dorothy who is played by Jessica Brooke Capshaw who also went to Gray’s Anatomy are questioned. They admit to not having seen her in some time after she moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

Valentine (2001)

Dorothy gets home to her super expensive mansion owned by her rich father. She receives an obscene card with the signature of JM. Her boyfriend, Campbell, shows up and loses his apartment and temporarily moves in with her at her father’s large mansion. Her stepmother who is a much younger mail order bride wannabe who opposes the decision. They fight, like any rebellious daughter would do to their newly unemployable hooker of a stepmom, who now doesn’t have to work hard for them coins!

Valentine (2001)

We then cut to Kate, taking a shower as she gets ready for work. She hears a noise and checks it out wrapped in her oversized towel…pretty much a blanket. After noticing nothing out of the ordinary, she tries to turn the shower back on and noticed that the water has been shut off. She checked the fridge for her bottled water. Only an eighth is in there…who does that?! Who leaves that little water in a bottle and saves it?! She was left with no other choice but to wash the shampoo off in the toilet.

Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

I hope she flushed before doing that, or else she would have poo to go with her shampoo. She dries her hair off and finds her door open and overhears the elevator and finds the cupid mask keeping the door ajar. Her creepy neighbor Gary then comes onto her with some jank AF Dr. Seuss wannabe rhymes. “You look great, Kate.” And keeps going. He does it for three or four more times until she says “You’re scary, Gary.” Personally, I would go with this rhyme. “F*** you, Gary!” I’m such a poet! First time.

Lily and Paige then watch the video dating movies. I had to continuously remind myself that this was 2001 and Myspace wasn’t even created yet, so I had to excuse these desperate attempts to find a valentine. She couldn’t even go out with Tom! I do miss seeing him on my top seven list. Lily then receives an obscene card and a box of chocolates and finds out they were filled with maggots after taking a bite. First of all, that takes a lot of work to create these candies with that filling second of all, I would prefer maggots in my chocolates than almonds…just an opinion. Keep your nutty chocolates to yourself!

Valentine 2001 horror movie - YouTube

As the girls attend the exhibit of Lily’s artist boyfriend Max, who definitely could benefit from a haircut for sure. The exhibit is a Valentine’s day theme with video screens of men and women’s mouths saying silly comments in the form of a maze. Groundbreaking. Lily becomes lost at the exhibit after Max invites a second girl to join them in their make out session. I guess she is not into sharing.

Best Jessica Cauffiel GIFs | Gfycat

The killer appears, who proceeds to shoot her repeatedly with arrows until she falls several floors into a dumpster. I found this kill to be very poetic with the cupid theme. I just wish that she didn’t give her lucky scrunchie to Elle Woods. She probably would’ve survived her murder if she had her lucky charm. What a shame!

Valentine (2001) — Keep Screaming
Jessica Cauffiel | Cinemorgue Wiki | Fandom

Of course, the cupid’s nose bleeds again because he didn’t have any tampons to plug it. I’m using a “She’s the Man” reference where Amanda Bynes uses a tampon to stop a nosebleed. I normally don’t do menstrual jokes. Deal with it.

Don't Worry About Switching Period Products Because of Your IUD - Women.com

By the way, I am posting the picture of Amanda Bynes in this blog from “She’s the Man,” to prove a point that I didn’t think of the nosebleeds as a period joke. Don’t get mad at me…get mad at Amanda Bynes. Now, back to Valentine!

The rest of the group meet Campbell’s bitter ex-girlfriend Ruthie, who accuses him of being a con artist.

Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

Adam and Kate meet thereafter at a bar to shoot the shit, and of course she still has reservations of his drinking problems. You go girl!

Valentine (2001) | 2000's Movie Guide

The next day, the detective questions Kate, Paige, and Dorothy and notice that they received a card from Jeremy Melton, who they assume is the person that sent them the messages. They have a hunch that he is back for revenge after their bitchy middle school crap that they pulled on him to make him go cray-cray. Once the detective left, Dorothy admits to Jeremy not sexually assaulting her at the dance and blamed her “former pudgy” disposition as a crutch for her stupid lie. Let’s not blame the way the good lord made you for your crappy decisions. You sure didn’t use that excuse for that crappy hair job!

JCapedia on Twitter: "#TBT to @JessicaCapshaw in the movie "Valentine" (2001)  as Dorothy. Ps: I just watched this movie today again.… "

That evening, Kate talks to Adam about the Jeremy Melton hypothesis. She finally invites him for a night cap, but he declines this time. Probably to come over to my house…I love Bones. I love Booth.

The following day at the police station, they still try to crack the Jeremy Melton code with the detective. They run through ridiculous photo rendering possibilities making him look like he aged  horribly. Come on police, some people grow up to be hot! After much discussion, the assumption of Jeremy Melton is that he is Campbell, frustrating Dorothy as she stormed out. After Kate followed, the sleazeball detective hits on Paige which is very professional. I guess he needed more ammunition in his gun.

Valentine (2001)

Meanwhile, a hot iron is left on in Kate’s apartment (very irresponsible by the way!). The cupid takes it and finds creepy Gary in her room as he pulls a rocky horror moment and tries on her panties and thigh high stockings before getting burned on the face and bashed in the head repeatedly. At least he was all hot and spicy in black in lacy! Just the way I want to leave this world.

Valentine (2001)

Kate comes home to Adam outside of her building and they exchange a brief hello. She feels bad about neglecting him and gives him a coupon for “Free TLC,” I know it means tender love and care…but I grew up with straight brothers and all I hear is “Tables, Ladders, and Chairs!”. We watched a lot of wrestling growing up. I can be butch if I want to!

As Valentine’s Day approaches, Dorothy is planning a party at her family’s estate. On the morning of the party, Dorothy gifts Campbell with a cheap ass watch…probably from Kohls, to express her love. By the way, I have nothing against Kohls. They have great options for your everyday style! He then gifts her with a golden cupid necklace, that didn’t even come close to Kohls…more like a gumball machine. He then tries to clean out Dorothy’s family accounts, like Ruthie predicted earlier. Scumbag. He is interrupted to assist with lighting the pilot light in the basement, where the killer murders Campbell with an ax…Probably wearing axe body spray when he died too. It was that time period where it was a thing!

Retro Review - Valentine (2001) - PopHorror

The party begins with bitchin rock music, making me regret that I didn’t have friends like this in my twenties and questioning all of my life choices. Kate finds Dorothy eating an entire platter of chicken wings. They assume he has simply left her. Adam shows up with his stupid IOU coupon for that TLC. He can now piledrive her through the table after hitting her in the head with a chair…Damn you wrestling!

Paige finds the creep from speed dating that she kindly stole from Kate and lures her upstairs for some privacy. They start to do straight people things (I dunno…work on a car? Is that what straight people do?) He pulls down his pants to show off his anatomy. Paige was unimpressed with his sleazy behavior, but plays along with his stupidity. She ties him to the bed and blindfolds him. I figured she had a nasty side…I mean, she WAS married to Charlie Sheen. *shrugs shoulders*. She gets back at the douchebag and pours hot candle wax onto his member. He DID ask for her to wax it…and then walked out to leave him alone.

Denise Richards from the film Valentine - 2001 - Home | Facebook
Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

After Paige reunites with Kate and Dorothy, in comes raging bitch Ruthie. She makes Dorothy’s night worse by calling out her newly cheap gift from Campbell was actually her. So, she has the crappy sense of jewelry! I got you! Dorothy is aggravated that more evidence is piling up that he never loved her, only her money. Paige and Kate forcefully escort her out of the building like good friends. Paige needed to be left alone and grabs a bottle of champagne and finds her own quiet time. Kate then gets hit on by creepy Max, who revealed that Lily never made it to LA. Of course, wasn’t really focused on his missing girlfriend for much longer. He was prepared to move on.

Valentine - Movie Review : Alternate Ending

Ruthie sneaks back into the mansion, and rummages through Campbell’s belonging and takes his Kohls watch before being interrupted. She sneaks through the lower level of the building into an overly amazing plaid den, which I want. She finds the killer dragging the newly killed maid with a nosebleed, yet again. The killer could’ve at least asked the maid to clean up his nose before she died! Rude! Ruthie runs into the spa and hides under a bench in the sauna. She stays there for a good couple of minutes, which is longer than most victims who assume that the killer leaves within seconds. She finds Campbells body, and then tries to sneak out, tiptoeing through the loud tiled floor to not cause any sort of noise whatsoever! She soon gets hurled by the killer through the shower, ends up with a bloody face. Some of her blood must’ve gotten on the killer’s mask because there was some blood dripping down it’s nose (lol). Her head eventually gets thrusted through one of the remaining shards, impaling her neck.

Valentine (2001)

Kate now finds Adam taking shots, committing very hard to his twelve step plan of sobriety, angering her. Then we cut to Paige having her quiet time in the hot tub in this greenhouse like room. It’s actually kind of cool. I’m all about the earth! The killer sneaks in and interrupts her. Of course, she saw nothing but a rose that was placed by her champagne bottle, causing her to become concerned.

Valentine is a Respectable Alternative to My Bloody Valentine [Here's Why]

She looks through the amazing greenery, where much to our surprise the killer was hiding until he throws Paige into the hot tub and locking her inside. She panics while trying to find a way out. The nose bleed happens again, which at this point the killer needs to see an ENT doctor to get this shit cauterized. He grabs a drill and starts trying to attack her until there was a successful impaling of her shoulder, which caused her to go under before having the drill thrown in to electrocute her and shut off all the power to end the party. What a party pooper! I will also say that this is also poetic that in the beginning of the movie, when younger Paige rejected Jeremy Melton, she said that “She would rather be boiled alive.”

Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

I love it!

The party disintegrates when the power cuts out, and Dorothy and Kate argue over who the killer is. Kate claims that Campbell could be a suspect because they do not know anything about him or where he is, while Dorothy counters by accusing Adam, Kate’s recovering alcoholic on-off boyfriend, who is now a journalist. Dorothy feels attacked for being the “fat girl” of the group and storms off for not getting any sort of decency…which I don’t see at all. I understand this in the real world. I just think that she is comfortable playing little miss victim. Just saying!

JCapedia on Twitter: "#TBT to @JessicaCapshaw in the movie "Valentine" (2001)  as Dorothy. Ps: I just watched this movie today again.… "

After being told by Lily’s boyfriend that she did not arrive in Los Angeles as planned, Kate realizes she is also probably dead and calls the detective assigned to the case. After dialing the number, she follows the sound of a ringtone outside the house and discovers the detective’s severed head in the pond surrounded by gorgeous lily pads. I would’ve just hung out there for the night if the party was still going on! Screw all them drinkers. Kate becomes startled and runs back to the now empty mansion.

Kate becomes convinced that Adam is actually Jeremy, disguised by reconstructive surgery, being the only one left in the house. To her surprise, he asks her to dance. Kate becomes frightened, knees him in the groin and flees. She runs through the house, being creepily chased by Adam as he quickly recovers from his smashed privates. He must have balls of steel! Drool!

Identity : Adam Carr, Valentine Movie Fanlisting Angel 02.22

She soon discovers the corpses of Paige and Ruthie. Well, the maid can’t clean this shit up, now can’t she?!  She locates a gun, which is perfect training for her before she becomes deputy sheriff of Woodsboro (Scream 4).

Valentine 2001 slasher GIF - Find on GIFER

 The Cupid masked killer jumps out from the darkness and sends them both tumbling down the winding staircase like a perfect pair of slinkies. The killer arises and is shot to death by Adam. As a shocked and confused Kate apologizes profusely, Adam pulls off the mask to reveal Dorothy. GASP!

Valentine (2001)

How could she?! Adam forgives Kate, explaining that childhood trauma can lead to lifelong anger and some people are eventually forced to act on that anger, referring to Dorothy. As Kate and Adam wait for the police to arrive, they hug while Adam says he has always loved her. Moments later, when Kate closes her eyes, his nose begins to bleed, revealing that he is in fact Jeremy Melton and the true killer, framing the dead Dorothy for his crimes.

Blu-Ray Review: “Valentine” Collector's Edition Hits The Mark | Rue Morgue

So, the lesson here is that plastic reconstructive surgery or even just an amazing groom job can turn the most unfortunate of appearances into straight up hotties…just ask Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality. And even the worst of past experiences could make anybody do the craziest of things…just ask Sandra Bullock in The Proposal.

Sandra Bullock Surprises Warren Easton High School Graduates Video - ABC  News

Also, Adam needs a new nose! I’m sick of him getting blood on my carpet!

The End!

Let’s hand out some awards.

The Haunted Hunk award with no surprise will go to Adam. He will be my fifth ex husband…I already have that planned, and there is nothing you all can say that will stop me! His nosebleeds may be a turnoff, but after an ENT doctor and a humidifier…I’m sure we will be just fine!

The Killer Slay award-aka best kill- will go to Paige. I loved the suspense of her be locked inside a hot tub and eventually drilled and electrocuted. She played the promiscuous one, and she got drilled…and boiled alive.

The Basic Beheading award-aka worst kill- will go to the detective. I wish that they showed a little more of his story on how he was murdered. They show him calling Kate, telling her they caught the wrong suspect and that he was on his way…to no body. That is no what to get ahead in this movie!

Rating- 7.5 stars out of 10 *******

I don’t have the ability to use half-asterisks.

As much as the general public didn’t like this movie, I did for the most part. I love when there is some sort of tie in to a reference. The cupid kills Lily with arrows. Paige would rather be boiled alive than dance with Jeremy Melton, which she got her wish. It was pretty obvious who the killer was, which is fine in this case because:

  1. It’s David Boreanaz.
  2. There was a lot of cheesy slasher elements that made it forgivable.
  3. It’s David Boreanaz.
David Boreanaz shirtless sexy photo shoot hot rare buffy the vampire slayer  bones booth | Mike The Fanboy

If I could give any criticism in the movie, they could’ve tied up a few loose ends with certain kills like the maid or detective. The maid is forgivable, since she only has one line and is too busy cleaning up after entitled rich people. The detective could’ve had the sleazeball ending that we would all love to see!

If you have seen or heard of this movie…comment below about what you like or dislike!

And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be taking a break with all of the sweet Valentine candies and move onto something I would like more than that for the holiday. Stuffed animals. Since I don’t have any of those, we will just have to settle for the amazingly cult classic, “Child’s Play”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!

Oh, and Happy Valentines Day!

Movie Beatdown-Would You Rather

It’s time for your newly favorite day of the week! It’s Movie beatdown time! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Would You Rather”. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Would You Rather is a 2012 American psychological horror-thriller film, directed by David Guy Levy and starring Brittany Snow and Jeffrey Combs. It is based on the party game “would you rather,” and centers on a woman named Iris as she attends a dinner party, where she must partake in life-threatening games to help her sick younger brother secure a donor after he contracts leukaemia. The film premiered at Screamfest 2012.

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

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Iris, a young woman played by Brittany Snow, from many of my favorite movies (“Pitch Perfect”, “John Tucker Must Die”, “Prom Night” remake. I loved growing up with her when she was on a little horse and pony of a tv show called “American Dreams”. If you can’t tell, I love Brittany Snow!), caring for her sick brother Raleigh, is unable to afford the costs of his treatment for leukaemia.

Would You Rather (2012) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

She struggles with finding work to help pay for the costs since her parents both died in an accident, leaving her to drop out of college. Raleigh’s oncologist Dr. Barden introduces Iris to Shepard Lambrick, a philanthropist who offers her a deal: if she wins a parlour game at a dinner party he is hosting, he will pay for Raleigh’s treatment and locate a bone marrow donor for him without any waiting lists or complications. She was initially reluctant to partaking in the game. Suddenly, Dr. Barden has a commercial testimonial moment where he praises how it worked for him in his time of need. Blah blah blah, “If it could happen to me, it could happen to you!” crap.

would you rather | An Englishwoman in Salem

That evening, she prepares dinner for her brother speaking in broken ass French. I mean, she pronounced monsignor as Mon Sewer! She received another phone call that she didn’t qualify for a job she applied for. The next day, she makes the decision to go to Shepard’s manor to partake in the game. She tells her brother that she is going out with high school friends, like any normal family member would do…keeping secrets. She gets picked up in their vehicle, not even a limousine! Cheap Uber bastards! While on the way there, she has flashbacks of conversations with Raleigh about him feeling sorry for all of the medical and financial burden being thrusted onto her abruptly. She, like a good sister doesn’t show any sort of sorrow and is willing to help at whatever cost.

Once she arrives at the manor, Iris is escorted into the main room and introduced to his son Julian and the other contestants: Lucas; Travis, a war veteran; Linda, a paralyzed elderly woman; Peter, a gambling addict; Amy; Conway, an alcoholic debtor (played by John Heard, who was best known for playing everybody’s favorite dad in Home Alone, Peter McCallister) ; and Cal.

We cut back to Dr. Barden, who is pensively drinking a cocktail who reminisces on the conversation with Shepard where Shepard thinks that Iris is a perfect candidate, but Barden is reluctant to allowing an innocent girl like Iris to partake in the upcoming events. Before being summoned for dinner, the group is asked to give all personal belongings, which is a red flag right there! The group all complies, and are then escorted to the game.

Would You Rather (2012) - Review - PopHorror

A steak and foie gras dinner is served for dinner. But Iris, a vegetarian, initially declines to eat it. Shepard then offers her $10,000 to compromise her principles; she reluctantly accepts his offer and eats the steak, not even with steak sauce. It was like a G-rated version of Fear Factor. When Shepard realizes Conway is a recovering alcoholic, which is expected since he raised a son that terrorized his home in order to keep the burglars away. he offers him $10,000 to drink a glass of wine. When Conway declines, Shepard offers him $50,000 to drink an entire decanter of Scotch, which Conway accepts.

Well, OBVIOUSLY, Participation is No Longer Voluntary.” | My Geek Blasphemy

After dinner ends, the game begins. Shepard reveals it to be a version of the party game “Would You Rather” in which players must choose between two options. He uses a simple example of asking one of the gentlemen if they would rather kiss Iris, or another male. Naturally, the guy said Iris. They weren’t forced to, but Linda assumed that they would have to kiss each other. Love her! Shepard continued to explain that the contestants had fifteen seconds to pick which one they would do, and if not on time they would be out. If they couldn’t complete the task, they would be out as well. Once the rules were fully explained, the group was given one last opportunity to leave without playing and in return would have no chance at a better life. Conway initially thought about leaving in his drunken stupor with his money, but then sat back down. I don’t know if it was based on desire to keep winning, or he was too drunk to stand. If it was me, I would drag my drunk ass out that door with 50,000 and make up the rest of my financial burdens with prostitution! But that’s just me. The group all decided to stay and play.

Would You Rather | SCREAMFEST

After Shepard’s butler, a former MI5 agent named Bevans, wheels in an electric shock machine, Conway attempts to leave but is shot dead, drunk and without the $50,000. Sad.

The Horror Club: Would You Rather? (2013)

The remaining contestants learn how serious and deadly the game is and recognize they can only win the game if they are the last surviving player. The first round is played by having two contestants connected to the shock machine, and one person decides whether they should shock themselves or the other person. Cal is first to give the shock to either himself or Amy. After fifteen seconds, he shocks himself. Amy gets a rise out of this, which irritated me. Amy is given the choice to shock herself or poor old Linda. Without hesitation she shocks Linda. I hate her. After Linda takes a while to come back to her senses, she is given the choice to either shock herself or Peter. Naturally, she chose Peter. The contestants take turns making the difficult decision, and the round ends with no one eliminated with Shepard getting a complete rise out of their suffering.

Review: 'Would You Rather' See This Movie, Or Make A Better Use Of Your Ten  Bucks? | IndieWire

It cuts to Dr. Barden grabbing a gun in his drawer and begins to drive away. It is revealed while Dr. Barden is driving that he had scars on his temples, indicating that he was a survivor of the game and endured the shock himself. The group is given a short break while they prepare their second round. They try to figure a way to escape. Julian walks in arrogantly as he messes with their heads. I normally don’t wish anything bad upon people. But since this is a movie character, I hope he gets Lou Gehrig’s! Travis steps in and tries to stand up for the group against Julian’s behavior. The butlers then wrap the area in plastic. Are they renovating? How exciting! Torture, AND décor! Dr. Barden finally arrives at the manor and sneaks in through a window.

The group reconvenes in the second round, where each contestant has 30 seconds to choose between stabbing someone in the thigh with an ice pick or whipping Travis (due to the bitchy pettiness of Julian telling his daddy like a five year old!) three times with a sjambok, which is an African whipping staff.

Would You Rather (2013) - Rotten Tomatoes

Travis takes the role of the hero, being a military veteran and having the ability to endure pain. Ultimately, Travis is severely injured after allowing Iris, Lucas, and even taking the whip on his own turn. Julian smugly observes like a little sissy…again, Lou Gehrig’s.

JokesterWrites — Julian Lambrick x Reader (Julian playing his won...

Peter, knowing he won’t survive another lashing, stabs Linda in the leg assuming she is paralyzed and wouldn’t feel it, but he hits a femoral artery and she dies. Amy is given the choice to stab any player or whip Travis. She expresses that she is here to win, and only one can survive. She chooses to shank Iris in the side, prison style.

Manley's Movie Review — Would You Rather

I’m not a huge fan of her character, but I do understand her ruthlessness and understanding of their hostage situation, doing whatever she needs to do to win and survive. Travis dies soon after Cal has been given the choice to whip him, taking in Amy’s approach to the game, needing to eliminate everybody to win. And now we are down to five.

Lucas causes a distraction and everyone except Amy attempts to escape the room (teacher’s pet). Cal advances on Shepard with the sjambok as Lucas attacks the guards and Iris escapes. Naturally, Julian hides away from the violence like a wimp. After Shepard shoots and kills Cal, the others surrender. Shepard sends Bevans and Julian after Iris; Naturally, in any escape situation, Iris runs up the stairs instead of finding an exit on the main level or the basement. With a few minutes of cat and mouse, Iris eventually ends up in a lower level and tries to escape out a window. Julian finds her and attempts to rape her like the little bastard he is, but she stabs him with the ice pick. It’s not Lou Gehrig’s…but I will settle. Dr. Barden, who has had second thoughts about sending Iris to Shepard, breaks into the manor to save her. Before they can escape, Bevans kills Dr. Barden and escorts Iris back to the game by force. I guess we are now down to four!

The third round begins with each player having 30 seconds to choose to be submerged underwater in a barrel for two minutes, or an unknown task written on a card that is placed in front of them. Peter chooses a card using his gambling knowledge, which requires him to light a firecracker in his hand; when it explodes, it causes a heart attack, and he dies. That was definitely not a firecracker! It was a freakin’ stick of dynamite!

I was surprised to see Ricky in a shitty horror movie on Netflix (Would You  Rather) : trailerparkboys

They even used everybody’s most useful tool, duct tape, to fasten it to his hand. I would rather stick with the duct tape to tuck back in my drag days, or even to shut Julian’s god forsaken loudmouth over taping dynamite to my hand!  Lucas’ card forces him to slit open his own eyeball, or what I’m going to call “giving him eyeslashes!”.

Would You Rather | Netflix

He does so and survives. Iris chooses the barrel and survives (her unpicked card is revealed to have all her teeth extracted, which is still hot). During her submerging, she has a flashback of her brother talking about drowning which is very fitting for the occasion.

Kalypso Skitz

Amy then chooses her card and learns that she must be submerged underwater for four minutes, and she drowns without getting a proper breath. The ruthless one who was so committed to the game has lost valiantly. And now we are in the final round with our final two! How exciting!

With only Iris and Lucas in the final round, Iris is given the choice to either shoot and kill Lucas to win the game, or spare him, which would result in both walking away empty-handed. After some anticipation with Lucas talking about how they could leave together Iris abruptly shoots Lucas in the chest, killing him. Shepard crowns her the champion as the crowd goes wild. It was quite obnoxious that everybody was cheering while Iris breaks down naturally for killing a man.

Manley's Movie Review — Would You Rather

Shepard gives her a bag full of money and explains that a donor has already been located for her brother and they will do the procedure within a week. I wonder if she gets to walk away with all the other guests’ belongings. I mean, might as well grab a wallet! There might be a credit card, or a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club!

When Iris arrives home, she showers off the blood, probably a little shame for all she had to do.  discovers Raleigh had committed suicide by overdosing on pills while she was out. She weeps at her dead brother’s side at the loss of her only remaining family and realizing that there was no point in her playing the game. That really bites!

Well, OBVIOUSLY, Participation is No Longer Voluntary.” | My Geek Blasphemy

The end!

So, I do like this movie. There is something to say about a situation that you are placed where you are at your lowest point, and you will need to do whatever it takes to better your life without selling your body on the street. The character differentiation was fairly solid, where there was a little bit of representation in every archetype. I will say that they could do a little bit better with those characters. I don’t know if I would personally do what they had to in order to survive. I just might do an OnlyFans page or something, and then commit to the game if that doesn’t work out…which it probably would. I mean…I’m no hottie!

Let’s hand out some awards!

The Haunted Hunk award will go to Travis. Nothing is hotter than a man that is willing to take a beating for complete strangers! Plus, he is into whipping, which might be a turn on for some members of the LGBT community!

The Killer Slay-aka best kill- will go to Travis as well. He most definitely had the most gruesome death. Being whipped twelve times to death. That is insane!

The Basic Beheading-aka worst kill- will go to Julian. It’s a little uncertain that he died in the movie. However, he was shanked in the thigh by Iris after attempting to rape her, and he was an arrogant prick with nothing to back up his cockiness. So, he is dead to me! Not only that, but they could’ve also made him dead to me better!

If you are looking for a more valid basic death, we will just go with Cal. He gets shot in the line of defense to try and help Iris escape. There you go…a more valid answer. I hope you are all happy!

Overall Rating 7/10 *******

I will say that by default that any movie with Brittany Snow will NEVER get a bad rating! Sue me. She can play a final girl very well! I think she can portray innocence and grit, which is are two of my favorite qualities in a final girl. She should be in more horror movies! I do like where the story as a whole went. I was sad for Iris to lose her brother after working hard to save him. I didn’t give the rating low for that reason. I did more for the portrayal of certain characters. I also thought that this movie was like “Diet Saw,” meaning it was a lighter torture porn version of what you would get out of Saw, and I like that. Sometimes I just can’t handle a fully caffeinated beverage.

And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, I will be expressing my love and affection for all you readers and your commitment to my blog. I can’t give you all chocolates, but I can give you a beatdown of the very romantically horrific movie from 2001’s “Valentine”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!

Movie Beatdown-Dead Body

Its time for another weekly/biweekly Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Dead Body”. Keep in mind, that there are many titles under this name. For this post, we are going to tackle the movie made in 2017. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Now, before I begin, I will not be mentioning who stars in this movie. If I’m not mistaken, there are none of these actors that are even close to well known, so it is pointless to point out their uneventful careers. Sorry to the actors, but you signed up for this movie. You only have yourselves to blame!

Second side note, there are not too many images of this movie. So I am unable to take you too deep into my recap with as many images. I guess nobody else liked this movie?

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is preview.jpg

We open the movie to a girl who runs through the woods screaming in terror. She takes a lean on a tree, crying about god knows what…probably cramps. Eventually, she finds an abandoned shed where she hides on the side. She covers her mouth since her stupid breathing is too loud that it could attract attention. I’m assuming she is a mouth breather. As the killer gets closer to her, she grabs a rock to prepare herself for an attack, but it backfires since she sucks at defending herself and gets knocked to the ground. She pants in fear and looks surprised as she found out whodunnit. “It was you the whole time?!”

Dead Body (2017) Cast and Crew, Trivia, Quotes, Photos, News and Videos -  FamousFix

Cuts to blackout.

Twelve hours earlier, future Ivy Leaguer Dominic prepares to entertain his former high school friend Ilsa for the weekend. His plan is it for just to be the two of them, and the two Japanese exchange students, Mariko and Kenji who constantly can’t keep their hands off each other as they hook up within the first ten seconds of the movie (Gross…straight people sex). Dominic’s plans go awry when Ilsa arrives with her friend and much older (and slightly attractive) boyfriend, Dwayne and her rebellious chain-smoking friend, Sarah. Duane is 23 years old…not much older, but we have all been eighteen before. Twenty-year olds were ancient in our eyes back then! He was not happy that Ilsa didn’t confide in him before inviting extra guests. He LITERALLY said that he didn’t have enough Brie and crackers for these people. Eventually, Dominic comes around and is confident that the weekend will still go according to plan. Then another guest arrives, Marcus and Rumor who are the more borderline geeky archetypes, frustrating Dominic even more. And to top it off we had Eli being the final guest of the weekend party who is the stoner of the group, bringing a shovel with him. He stated that, “I was told that we are staying in a cabin. I thought we would have to dig a hole for us to shit in.” WTF?! I don’t know what kind of cabin he was going to, but most of them have some sort of plumbing…maybe even an outhouse!

Dead Body (2017) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

We then cut tot the group playing in the river all dressed in their swimsuits. The guys are doing their normal teenage guy thing…avoiding the girls and tackling each other. Butch guy things. Sara and Ilsa lay out on their own as they talk about nonsense.

Dead Body YIFY Torrent Magnet & Dead Body YIFY Subtitles

Rumor confides in Marcus with apprehension that this weekend will not be fun for him since he is socially awkward and doesn’t fit in. Then we have Eli and Dwayne stand there looking muscley while Dwane is nervous that somebody is going to make Ilsa swoon. You know, normal twenty-three-year-old straight guy insecurities. Eli just brushes it off as she smokes a joint. The only thing I got from that conversation is abs (I’m sorry. If the conversation is lame, which most of the dialogue is in this movie, then you know I’m going to try my best to find a redeeming quality! Sorry not sorry.).

Dead Body (2017) Download YIFY Movie Torrent - YTS

It cuts to nighttime and the kids are partying. Eli appears to be jacked up on crazy shit on the couch. The two girls make out while the foreign exchange students practically do it in front of everybody else. Rumor is sitting in the kitchen by himself as he writes copious notes in his journal. These kids appear to be having the time of their lives! How cute. Eli has a stupid hallucination of a goose and suddenly doesn’t feel safe. Again, I will underscore that the dialogue in this movie is not the best, not by a longshot! Ilsa notices Marcus alone outside on the deck, and he expresses his feelings for her and apologizes for intruding on Dwayne. She confesses that she brought Dwayne here only for the purpose of using him as a shield from Dominic and his potential tendencies, after they only knew each other from one hookup. Once the group reconvenes, Dwayne was curious about how they knew each other and finds out that they all go to the same high school together. He then assumes that they will be going to college together since he knows that most of them are planning on going to Harvard. Dominic tells him that he is number four on the waiting list and that his parents are pissed. Dwayne doesn’t care, and neither do I! Dwayne mentions that all of his friends from high school are “dead” or, as he vaguely acknowledges “dead to him”, Causing some suspicion.

Dead Body Trailer (2017)

When they become bored of the dead people talk, ‘nerdy’ Rumor (played by a poor man’s Tom Lenk) suggests playing Dead Bodies. The game is played like this: one of the group is chosen to be the killer when slips of paper are picked. Everyone must then hide. The killer must then go around and pinch people, “killing them”. Then if someone finds a dead body, they must shout “DEAD BODY” and everyone then convenes to discuss who they think the killer is. The first round happens when the lights go out and people start to scatter around the dark cabin. Sarah tries to find a spot behind a curtain…rookie move! She then tries to find another spot and stumbles upon the male foreign exchange student with ketchup on his neck as he lays on the floor, startling her and screams loudly causing everybody to come back. She wasn’t enthused about the game, but who cares. The kid has ketchup, and I suddenly have a craving for French fries! The group tries to start the round over again, and Sarah is over it, but is guided into the basement by Mariko. The two meanders around the dark room and find their individual spots to hide in. Mariko plays with her phone and gives up her location with the super bright background. Does she know that she should only focus on one thing at a time? She then gets attacked from behind by a tarp over her head and being repeatedly stabbed by a cheese knife, looking like a prison shanking moment. Sarah is over the game now as the group gets back together. She becomes concerned that Mariko hasn’t come back, and nobody believes her. Sarah storms out in frustration as the rest of the group assumes that she is hooking up with Kenji.

The group resumes the game without Sarah, Ilsa runs upstairs and tries to sneak into a locked bedroom. After breaking in, she crawls to a hiding spot, assuming that it’s the exchange student’s hooking up. She eventually finds Dominic, Mariko, and Kenji in the bed as they are all covered in blood. Ilsa becomes startled, and now the group minus Sarah gets nervous as they see corpses. They try to call 911 but their service is bad, yet they text each other throughout the movie (hmmm…). It clearly isn’t Verizon Wireless (Not trying to advertise!). They have no choice but to wait until they can drive to the police. But Rumor comes to the conclusion that since there are no signs of forced entry, the killer has to be one of them. *Que dramatic music*

Dead Body (2017) - IMDb

They split up, as a stupid move and look around for the killer. Eventually, Rumor and Marcus find Mariko’s blood in the basement and soon realize that the victims died with each round of the game with their Hardy Boys logic. The kids then proceed to blame each other for various reasons, playing up to their stereotypes. Dwayne tries to be tough. Typical. Rumor cowers to the corner. Typical. Its then revealed that Rumor had an overly obsessive journal with following Mariko, making him the potential suspect.

Review: Bobbin Ramsey's DEAD BODY | Horror Society

Cut to Sarah outside walking through the woods with her constant pack of cigarettes, she stumbles upon a man tied to a tree and gagged. She runs away, scared and heads into the house. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that she’s the killer since she was with Mariko when she died and was gone when the other two were killed.

Dead Body Trailer (2017)

They handcuff her to the bed where the corpses lay, like the real friends that they are. I want friends like that! Tie me up! No really, what was more concerning was why these teenagers have red fuzzy handcuffs so early in their life?

These teenagers have the worse case of paranoia and constant blaming I have ever seen! They keep accusing each other even after putting Sarah in hell and cuffing her with corpses…in red handcuffs. After coming to their senses, the group decides to move Sarah to a less grim setting and away from bodies. Before they do that, the power goes out. It suddenly cuts to stoner Eli in the backyard with his shitting shovel and gets attacked from behind and eventually beheaded by a handsaw. The killer has very strong muscles to cut the head off within a minute! Hot!

Dead Body' Trailer Surfaces | Movie TV Tech Geeks News

Marcus and Ilsa heard the screaming and look for the source of the noise and finds Eli’s body with Rumor standing over it. They now blame Rumor for the killings as he had the saw earlier, but he is trying to explain to them that he found him in this state. The group doesn’t believe him, and Dwayne scares him into the woods with the poor shooting of the gun. Be a better straight person and learn how to aim, or don’t shoot at all! Marcus feels sorry for Rumor and goes after him to save his best friend, leaving them all separated, yet again. Ilsa gets chased around by the killer, as he finds a hatchet. She runs to hide and eventually gets away but passes by Rumor who becomes the next victim and brutally attacked to death with a hammer to the head, then gouged in the skull with a fisherman’s hook, and dragged away into darkness, still alive. Poor dweeb!

Ilsa and Marcus reunite and try to plan their escape. Shortly after, Dwayne joins them and Ilsa runs to Sarah to set her free knowing that she couldn’t be the killer. They get to the room and notice that she broke away. At this point, the three decide to venture to the car parked in some random ass place that isn’t the driveway by going through the creepy woods! They find Rumor’s dead body strung on a tree, causing further panic.

They finally get to the mom van at the middle of nowhere and notice that it has been broken in. They find Sarah trying to jumpstart the vehicle and tries to tell them who the killer is. But before she could say the name Dwayne Hellraisers her and shoots her numerous times in the head with the nailgun. Once the three get in the car, Ilsa remembers that she hit the killer in the face when she was chased and realized that Dwayne had a gash on his face, causing suspicion to escalate further towards him. She and Marcus confront him, and he tries to rationalize his reasoning, causing the two to eventually stangle him to death with jumper cables. Marcus tells Ilsa that “We won!” and now makes Ilsa more suspicious of him. She gets more paranoid that they may have not killed the killer afterall. Marcus calms her crazy ass down and eventually jumpstart the car before Marcus gets attacked with the shit shovel. Ilsa runs off into the woods, while the two fight. Marcus puts up a grand fight before getting shanked in the side by that cheese knife and then bashed repeatedly by the shovel.

We then pickup to what happened in the beginning scene. Ilsa runs through woods…to shed…blah blah blah (when will this movie end already?!). But in case if you need a recap of my recap, either scroll up to the second paragraph, or allow me to copy and paste my nonsense:

“We open the movie to a girl who runs through the woods screaming in terror. She takes a lean on a tree, crying about god knows what…probably cramps. Eventually, she finds an abandoned shed where she hides on the side. She covers her mouth since her stupid breathing is too loud that it could attract attention. I’m assuming she is a mouth breather. As the killer gets closer to her, she grabs a rock to prepare herself for an attack, but it backfires since she sucks at defending herself and gets knocked to the ground. She pants in fear and looks surprised as she found out whodunnit. “It was you the whole time?!””

It is revealed that Dominic is the killer. Surprise! He wasn’t dead! He then reveals the dumbass motive for the entire night. He was number four on Harvard’s waitlist. Mariko, Kenji, and Ilsa were ahead of him on the list. His intention was to just have those three over for the weekend but had increase his kill count due to the other unexpected guests. He even had his dad, who is conveniently revealed to be a cop at this point, take a convict out and allow Dominic to tie him up as a hostage at the tree to let him loose when this is all over to frame him for the murders. Stupid. I will not go into too much more detail, the movie does it for me. Dominic LITERALLY recites a god forsaken dissertation in detail about what he did and where he was every time! It took five minutes for him to recite this shit! Seriously, Dominic…There is no need to write a paper about this. You didn’t get into Harvard. There is no need to write a book about this.

After twenty-six chapters of Dominic’s boring presentation of his kills without any powerpoint presentations, Ilsa blinds him with moss and runs away, getting back to the van where she finds Marcus collapsed. She then goes for the nail gun sitting next to Pinhead’s daughter, empty. So, to be resourceful, she tries to take a nail out of Sarah’s head. She awakens from the pain…not dead, while Ilsa goes Jigsaw on her to grab some ammunition. She of course misses most of them and gets him in the neck but, gets her to the ground before going in for the final kill. Sarah silently pulls more nails out of her head to load the gun and shoots him straight in the forehead as he collapses straight over her face and drips blood over her, like a hot, red shower. She soon after gets startled by Marcus who is also still alive with his face looking bashed in, and the three get into the van to make their escape.

Cuts to the morning with sad music. Sara and Marcus are collapsed in the backseat looking horrible while poor little Ilsa has basic flesh wounds in comparison to them. She better not complain! As she drives away, she takes a slip of paper out of her pocket, showing that she drew the “Killer” slip in the game. So, I guess her, and Dominic are even. Ilsa takes Harvard away from him…Dominic takes her role as killer in the game away from her.

The end. Thank god!

Overall, I am not a fan of this movie. Dominic’s motive is so dumb in my opinion. Who kills people because they didn’t get into Harvard? Why didn’t he apply to safety schools? What kind of cop lends a convict to be staged as a killer to help their son get away with murder? Lots of unanswered questions that I don’t even want to try and figure out and not waste my time any further.

Now let’s hand out some awards…the only awards that these actors will get for this movie!

The Haunted Hunk award will go to Dominic. I’m not one to judge appearance to adolescents. However, Dwayne was a major douchebag. Abs don’t really win awards! Take notes peeps. As annoying and whiny as Dominic is throughout the movie, I liked his mystery.

The Killer Slay award-aka best kill-will go to Rumor. His death was pretty brutal! Hammered in the head repeatedly, and then a hook through the eye socket and dragged away to be strung up against a tree while alive is kind of badass. Plus, they show it all…so it was cringeworthy even for me.

The Basic Beheading award-aka worst kill-will go to Dominic. For as gruesome as the deaths were, and with Sarah becoming a pinhead with many nails in the head, I felt like they could’ve ended the final kill to be more than just one nail through the forehead.

Rating 4/10 ****

I would give this movie a smaller rating. However, the acting was decent. It wasn’t like they had Kristen Stewart from Twilight in there. These people were mostly convincing. The death scenes were actually done well too. I just am so turned off by that stupid killer motive! It was also obvious who the killer was within the first half of the movie. Normally, I like to figure out killers as soon as possible. But I felt like they could’ve done with less context clues.

And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be resuming our gaming spirit, by playing along with a group of desperately money hungry folks in “Would you Rather”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!