Movie Beatdown-The Slumber Party Massacre

Welcome to another episode of my newly not so acclaimed, Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “The Slumber Party Massacre”. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

The Slumber Party Massacre (also known as The Slumber Party Murders in the United Kingdom) is a 1982 American slasher film directed by Amy Holden Jones, and written by Rita Mae Brown. It is the first installment in the Slumber Party Massacre trilogy, and stars Michelle Michaels, Robin Stille, and Michael Villella. The film follows a high school senior who gathers her friends for a slumber party, unaware that an escaped power drill-wielding killer is loose in the neighborhood.

The film was originally written by Brown as a parody of the slasher genre but was shot as a straightforward horror film instead. As a result, it contains more humor, both intended and unintended, than usual for the genre at the time.

The Slumber Party Massacre grossed $3.6 million at the box office on a budget of $220,000, and received mixed reviews from critics. Despite the reception, it has obtained a large cult following since its release. Two sequels, Slumber Party Massacre II and Slumber Party Massacre III, followed in 1987 and 1990, respectively.

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown.

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The opening credits start with lovely organ music that cuts with abrupt key changes. Like if somebody punched the keys at random to make it scary. This is something that continuously happens in the movie when a scary scene occurs. In Venice, Los Angeles, Trish Deveraux, an 18-year-old high school senior awakens to get dressed, showing the movie’s first boob shot within the first five minutes. She then packs all of her childhood toys in a bag to throw them out. I’m assuming that it’s because she didn’t want any of her friends to see them at her slumber party while her parents are away…which is stupid! Just hide them in the damn closet like normal people! Think of how the toys feel!

Their neighbor, Mr. David Contant, is given the job of checking on the girls. She walks away from the trash can and the scene cuts away to a hand taking a Barbie doll, which I would do the same thing too. It was a cute Barbie, and that idiot threw it away! One man’s trash…

MUFFApproved: The Slumber Party Massacre | The MUFF Society

Meanwhile, Russ Thorn, an escaped mass murderer, kills a telephone repair woman and steals her van after Jeff and Neil hit on her creepily. She gets wrestled in the van before getting drilled…by the murder weapon.

Zisi Emporium for B Movies: The Slumber Party Massacre, Scream Queens  Drilled

We then cut to the girl’s basketball team practicing, poorly. Trish meets up with her friends Kim, Jackie, and Diane after an awkward shower scene where there is more unnecessary nudity, unless if you are into that stuff.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Tviso

She invites the new girl, Valerie, to the party but she declines the offer. Probably because she was the only one at basketball practice that was actually doing decent. She can do better than going to a slumber party with a bunch of amateurs!

Film on the Internet: THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE | The-Solute

Some of the girls were reluctant to inviting her, to the point where they assumed because “she drank too much milk,” OHMYGAWD! Lactose hater! After school, one of their classmates, Linda, goes back into the school to retrieve a book but gets locked inside, since most schools chain and padlock their doors after hours.

Driller Killer: Revisiting the 'Slumber Party Massacre' Trilogy! - Bloody  Disgusting

She is attacked, chased around the school for way too long of period of time while the crazy organ plays. She gets drilled in the arm and eventually finds a decent hiding spot…behind a door. Seriously, why would you hide behind a door that is able to be opened? You deserve to be killed second! Her cover is blown shortly after with the blood that dripped underneath and then Russ drills through the door and ends with her screaming bloody murder, not knowing what in the hell actually happened to her. Russ then runs out the building, that is now suddenly unlocked towards the repair van.

Diane then walks home alone carrying her textbooks…like she knows how to read? The camera is following her shakily with the illusion that somebody is following her, or has nicotine withdrawals. A hand grabs her, and she kung fu flips him to the ground. It was good ole’ jock John. They exchange a few words that nobody gives a hoot about and then we cut to the gym teacher. She drives home and the radio talks about Russ’s escape before she changes it to something more interesting. She makes it to her door, and a drill breaks through startling her. Gotcha! Just a neighbor creating a new peephole for her door.

Trish then plays her piano very well…I’m surprised that she didn’t throw that shit out too! People judge piano players just the same as Barbie’s! Then we go back to the gym teacher drinking wine out of a regular glass as she grates cheese before knocking it to the floor, making a mess. Maybe if you had the appropriate glass that wasn’t at the edge of the counter, this wouldn’t be an issue! Better grab your Brawny! Super absorbent! If you couldn’t tell, there is a lot of back-and-forth action with different characters. There really isn’t one main person they follow. The two boys walk their bikes down the street and pass the van, then cutting to Jackie and Kim walking up the porch to Trish’s house and we see Russ creepily in the bushes.

Crosstown Arthouse Presents Women in Horror: THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE

 As the party begins that night, the girls smoke marijuana and drink alcohol. Valerie babysits her younger sister, Courtney across the street. She makes what appears to be a crappy batch of Kool-Aid. She measures the sugar pretty scarcely. I need her to commit! Either that or add booze to it! The three girls are continuing to smoke their maui wowie and get startled by bitchy little Diane. Cut back to Valerie and Courtney doing their sisterly bonding with bickering. I will also need to point out that they did a bad job of making Courtney look younger! They just give an adult two pigtails and call it a day. They hear a noise, prompting Valerie to check it out. While she goes outside, Courtney goes to her room to sneak a peek at a Playgirl Magazine with Sylvester Stallone on it. YUM!

The Collinsport Historical Society: Monster Serial: THE SLUMBER PARTY  MASSACRE, 1982

Jeff and Neil, arrive and spy on the girls while they change clothes, giving more of an opportunity for unnecessary nudity! Can you imagine if they did this with dudes? Oh yeah, that’s right…boys don’t have slumber parties. That’s gay!

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) | 31 Days of Horror: Oct 22 | RetroZap

Diane goes to the garage to get some firewood and is spooked by a snail. GASP! Mr. Contant comes from behind with his meat cleaver and kills it. MY HERO! She goes back inside leaving Mr. Contant alone to be killed with a good ole’ drill through the neck. Trish notices Russ’s silhouette in the dark, and then finds my Barbie doll wedged in the window covered in blood. My poor baby! Her and Diane go back into the garage to check it out. Nothing.

Valerie is now doing her homework like a good kid. I will say, I love her lavender chiffon blouse! Off subject, I’m gay. I like fashion sometimes. Deal with it. She continuously checks out the neighbors. We cut to Courtney still reading her dirty magazine, getting caught by Valerie. She confiscates the piece. Courtney, like any other teenager denies doing anything with it. Valerie then pulls a used banana peel next to her bed. “Oh really?” OHMYGOD! GROSS!

Diane sneaks into the bathroom with Trish’s telephone as she talks dirty before getting caught by the other girls laughing at her poor smutty talking. The three are so high at this point, so anything involving a mouth made them laugh out loud. The power suddenly goes out. GASP! The four of them go back into the garage to the fuse box. Setting up for another crescendo of spookiness. They get startled by Jeff and Neil. Jeff gets whapped in the face with a flashlight.

Diane asks Trish permission to go with her boyfriend to do sexy time. She asks him to park in the garage. They make out for a minute and wants Diane to go to his place for a home run. She walks into the other girls, putting hotdogs on Jeff’s eye, since they don’t have steaks. I love a good hotdog on the eye!

Valerie gave Courtney a makeover…and fails. It is pretty busted! Courtney wants to crash the party like a normal preteen.

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Diane goes to his car to find him decapitated and is murdered as well after being chased in the locked garage. She collapses to the floor in terror as you see Russ’s legs with a long drill bit in between it…phallic.

Splatter Time Fun Fest 2012: The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) | Bill's  Movie Emporium

The girls order pizza and, while on the phone with their coach, Rachel Jana, the girls answer the door and find the pizza delivery man with his eyes drilled out. I was more suprised that the pizza was only six bucks! I hate how things are so expensive now! Anyway, back to the drilled eye sockets.

Women in Horror: The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) - Psycho Drive-In

Gross. The phone gets disconnected from the coach, now causing her to be concerned. She calls Valerie, to request her to check it out. Valerie has no interest in helping them. She is too busy drinking all that milk! Coach decides to check it out herself.

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The teens arm themselves with dull ass knives as Jeff and Neil run for help at Valerie’s. Neil goes out the back through the garage, and finds Diane hanging from the rafters, before getting impaled from behind. Jeff goes out the front door and makes it to Valerie’s house. He is pounding on her door, but she is too tied up with watching a scary black and white movie. She ignores it all until it’s too late, Russ disarms the weak ass kitchen knife and continuously stabs him to death. He carries Jeff’s body to the trunk of the car, counts the bodies, noticing one is missing.

The girls are inside, guarding themselves at the fireplace. The observe the pizza delivery boy, feeling sorry for him. Then comes the best line in the movie.

Kim- “He feels cold.”

Jackie- “Is the pizza?”

Kim- “Oh god!”

Jackie- “Life goes on after all, and eating makes me feel better. And boy do I feel bad.” *Takes bite* “I feel better already. I really do.”

Scream Series: The Slumber Party Massacre Deconstructs the Mold — Musée  Magazine

That is one of my favorite lines in slasher history! I laughed out loud when I first saw that scene!

Pizza time gets interrupted as Neil crawls to the back door, screaming before Russ finishes him off. The three girls flee.

Women in Horror: The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) - Psycho Drive-In

Valerie notices Courtney is missing and sees her waling across the street towards Trish’s house. I would be so pissed if I was her babysitter! Courtney hides when she notices Valerie following her. Valerie knocks on the door, hears nothing and walks to the back. Jackie goes to let her in, but gets her throat slashed by the drill as Russ meets her. Trish and Kim barricade themselves in Trish’s bedroom.

Andree Honore | Cinemorgue Wiki | Fandom

Valerie finds Courtney before a storm starts to erupt. Valerie tells her to go home as she feels suspicious of the lack of anything at this point. Where’s the music? Where’s the booze? Where’s the drugs? Where’s the strippers? She lets herself in the front door. Kim hears her and wants to go to her from inside the room. Trish advises them to wait since they knew what happened to Jackie. Russ sneaks through the open window, without a screen or anything. Some house! He then kills Kim with a dull kitchen knife in the gut after a little struggling and tearing up the bedroom.

WIHM The Slumber Party Massacre: What can a Slasher Film say about gender?  – Screen Queens

Trish flees. Russ tries to find her but was unsuccessful. She was hiding in a garment bag in the closet. I think that’s a great idea. However, how dare you disrespect clothing like that!

Valerie and Courtney enter the house. Courtney wants a beer, opening the fridge while looking away, Kim’s body is rocking back and forth in there.

Señor GIF - chill out - Greatest GIFs Of All Time - Pronounced GIF or JIF?  - Cheezburger

They eventually find her dead and hide from Russ as he comes down the stairs. Valerie hides in the basement, while Courtney hides under a couch. I never knew couches were able to fit anybody underneath! Russ gives up on his search, and tosses the delivery boy down the basement, scaring Valerie and influencing her to take action to save Courtney. Russ then makes himself cozy on the living room floor for a good night’s sleep for some stupid reason. You know, this would be more of a fun slumber party if you kept everybody alive RUSS! Coach Jana, having grown concerned over the phone call earlier, arrives, and is confronted by Russ.

NECA and Scream Factory Join Forces for Special Slumber Party Massacre  Release | Dead Entertainment

They start to fight, drill vs. fireplace poker. Valerie tries to save the day with a electric saw, but didn’t realize that they are plugged in and gets pulled back for I dunno…needing to be plugged in! Courtney saves the day and trips Russ, giving Coach an opportunity to be a dumbass and beat him with the flat end of the poker. Not even the pointed end. Trish comes out to stab him. As Coach stops Trish from further stabs, Russ gets up and disembowels her with the drill. Trish is helpless as Russ tells them that they are all pretty. One of the only lines he says is “It takes a lot of love for a person to do this.”

Watch The Slumber Party Massacre | Prime Video
Robin Stille | Cult Celebrities

Valerie then emerges and chases Russ with a machete out to the pool in the backyard, cutting the head of the drill bit off before severing his hand and slicing his stomach open. He falls into the pool, and the day has been saved! She drops the machete and is welcomed by Courtney where they have a sisterly love moment. Russ emerges and attacks them once more, Trish pushes him back, but his focus was strictly on Valerie, who finally kills him with the machete as he lunges onto her. Valerie and Trish break down in tears as Courtney looks on in shock.

DVD Talk

Let’s hand out some awards!

The Haunted Hunk award for some strange reason will go to our killer with the huge drill. Russ! Something about him in his all denim look with his dad bod makes me feel some sort of way. Sue me!

The Killer Slay-aka best kill-will go to the pizza delivery boy. It is gruesome and without his death there wouldn’t be one of the best lines in horror coming from Miss Jackie!

The Basic Beheading-aka worst kill- is going to go to Linda. There was nothing shown as to how she died. All you see is a drill going through the door and a primal scream. I understand that in horror, the scene ending means everything to the pace of the film. I was just wanting a little more.

Overall Rating- 8.2 out of 10 ********

I am a little ashamed to admit that I just watched this movie last year. I have missed out on gold! I love the concept of this movie. The flow of the story went pretty smooth. There is some cheesy humor that goes with it which, at this point if you have been following my beatdowns…I love. I wish that there is some more in certain parts. For example, I wish that Russ would say a little more as to why he is all batshit crazy. I could also do with a little less boobage. If you are into the female anatomy…you may love that.

If you have seen or heard of this movie…comment below about what you like or dislike!

And there you have it! Another beatdown in the archives! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we are going to take a little field trip to the, “House of Wax.”

If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Also, if you love horror just as much as I do, preorder your copy of my debut novel Cardinal Rules. In the Books section, you can select one of the links on where you would like to purchase!

Until next time…keep slaying!

Movie Beatdown-Child’s Play

Welcome to another episode of my newly not so acclaimed, Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Child’s Play”. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Child’s Play is a 1988 American supernatural slasher film directed and co-written by Tom Holland, and produced by David Kirschner from a story by the legendary Don Mancini. It is the first film in the Child’s Play series and the first installment to feature the character Chucky. It stars Brad Dourif, Catherine Hicks, Chris Sarandon, Alex Vincent and Dinah Manoff. Hicks plays a widowed mother who gives a doll to her son played by Vincent, unaware that the doll is possessed by the soul of a serial killer played by Dourif.

Child’s Play was released in the United States on November 9, 1988, by MGM/UA Communications Co. It grossed more than $44 million against a production budget of $9 million.

Along with the film gaining a cult following, the box office success spawned a media franchise that includes a series of six sequels, merchandise, comic books, and a reboot film of the same name released in the summer of 2019. Child’s Play was distributed by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, although the rights to the series were sold to Universal Pictures in 1990, right before production on Child’s Play 2 started. MGM retained the rights to the first film and, as such, distributed the 2019 reboot.

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown.

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We start the movie in 1988, on a quaint night…just kidding, a police chase, where Charles Lee Ray, a fugitive and serial killer, runs through the streets of South Side, Chicago by homicide detective Mike Norris, played by Chris Sarandon…aka Humperdinck in the Princess Bride.

The princess bride GIF on GIFER - by Nikom
The Adventures of Blogger Mike: Playland Toy Store - "Child's Play" Filming  Location - Chicago, IL

He shoots Charles multiple times and hits him. Charles’s accomplice, Eddie Caputo, escapes alone in a getaway vehicle like a loyal partner in crime. Charles breaks into a toy store where Mike shoots him again. Charles, realizing that he is dying and swears that he will get his revenge on Mike as well as Eddie Caputo.

Sticky Red: A Bodycount Compendium: Golden Title: Child's Play (1988)

He collapses dramatically on a pile of toys. Calm down Charles…it’s just a gunshot wound to the chest. He performs a Haitian voodoo spell to transfer his soul to one of the Good Guy dolls, causing the store to be struck by lightning and explode. I want to point out that the dolls are very creepy. Red heads have taken quite the beating from society with being compared to characters like these dolls! That and the Weasleys…maybe even Ron Howard too! Mike survives the explosion and re-enters the store, only to find Charles’s corpse and the doll.

The next day, little kid Andy Barclay is in the kitchen cooking his mom, the widow Karen Barclay, or better known as Catherine Hicks from 90’s kids television show 7th Heaven, where she plays with a bad man, who was the husband, who later in his career, confessed to having sexual misconduct to multiple minors. Not on the show…in real life. Anyway, back to the extremely unappetizing meal. He overpours cereal and burns toast. He should be competing in “Worst Chefs in America.” He would probably be the first one eliminated. He even spills the mild on his way to her room…tragic. By the way, what kind of a child would cook for their parent on HIS birthday?! What the hell? Karen gives Andy his birthday raspberries…which all I can think of is the scene from family guy where Lois is drunk while doing that to Stewie, ending up vomiting all over him. LOL!

She allows him to open his presents and the box that looked similar to a Good Guy box ended up being clothes. Andy was disappointed. How ungrateful. We fast forward to Karen at work in a cheap jewelry counter where her friend and coworker Maggie informs her of a doll that was being sold by a peddler in the back alley. Hot. Maggie even said that “I think I dated him.” No, you didn’t Maggie…no you didn’t.

Child's Play (1988) | and you call yourself a scientist!?

Karen then gets pressured to work the night shift due to call ins, missing out on her son’s birthday. I do not miss my days in retail…not one bit! I hated when they would do that to you, forcing the impression that it is your responsibility as an employee to fill the open shifts. Andy was excited to finally have the doll. He introduces himself as “Chucky,”.

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The Children of the Corn... Chucky, and Cousin Itt

That evening, Chucky and Andy play with his tool set, where Chucky is more focused on the news with the breaking story of Charles Lee Ray’s death. Maggie doesn’t allow them to watch the news and gets the two ready for bed. While Andy is brushing his teeth (poorly), The doll ends up in the living room watching the news alone.

Child's Play 1988 kid brushing teeth poorly - Album on Imgur

Maggie was frustrated with the assumption that Andy turned the TV back on and placed Chucky there. After Andy’s bedtime, Maggie finds Chucky sitting in front of a television tuned to a late-night newscast about Charles Lee Ray. She returns the doll to the bed. She enjoys her alone time and is slowly creeped out by the noises she hears and assumes that Andy has gotten up from bed. Shit is moved around the apartment which is creepy. Everything has its place, and Andy shouldn’t mess with the Fung Shui of the apartment! Rude! She finds something out of the ordinary, that isn’t shown to the audience at this time, but hits her in the face with a hammer, startling her as she falls through a window and dies.

Child's Play (1/12) Movie CLIP - Chucky's First Victim (1988) HD animated  gif

The scene ends with the curtains drifting out the broken window. Now, Karen has to pay her utility bill to heat the outside. Nice!

Karen comes home to find a swarm of police outside her building, getting to her apartment where police are investigating. Well, almost all of them. One was on the couch reading the newspaper. Our tax dollars going to good use! Karen was worried that something happened to Andy, and shortly after was relieved that it wasn’t the case. She did find out that Maggie was the victim and now gets questioned by Detective Norris, Detective Norris who considers Andy a suspect based on tiny footprints on the spilled flour in the kitchen. Maggie could’ve at least cleaned up before falling out the window. She is definitely not getting paid! Karen becomes frustrated that Andy is being considered a suspect. I’m also sensing some sexual tension between the two. Maybe she is into handcuffs. Before going back to bed, Andy finds flour on the bottom of Chucky’s shoes, telling the police about it. Much to our surprise, nobody believes him. Maybe Chucky was playing with his Easy Bake Oven?  As Karen prepares herself for some much needed alone time, she overhears Andy talking and finds him sitting on the floor talking to his doll. Does he not know the meaning of bedtime?! She asks him more about Chucky to inquire further. Andy then tells her that his name is Charles Lee Ray and that “Maggie is a real bitch and got what she deserved.” What kind of birthday child has the entitlement to get away with all of these shenanigans today? He should really be on Problem Child! God, I loved that movie! Karen tucks him back into bed for the evening to end Andy’s day of mischief. Tomorrow is no longer your birthday. You are now on an equal playing field as the rest of us! Behave!

Your Friend To The End - The Child's Play Franchise (1988 - 2013) -  flickfeast

The next morning, Karen walks Andy to school with Chucky. As soon as she leaves, Andy walks out a different exit to skip school and take the Chicago “L” train downtown. I guess we haven’t seen the last of this misbehaving kid. Maybe he should be the new Damien in “The Omen.” While on the train, he keeps whispering into Chucky’s ears.

Child's Play | Movies, Films & Flix

I can’t help but to insert my own dialogue to make the scene funny. Like, Alaska in RuPaul’s Drag Race…” Your makeup is terrible.” HAHA!

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He get off under the bridge to homeless city and is led to an abandoned home. While Andy is distracted with a sudden potty break, Chucky sneaks into Eddie’s house and kills him by causing a gas explosion with the open oven.

Eddie Caputo | The Chucky Wiki | Fandom

Karen’s day is interrupted with a call to the police station, where Andy is again considered a suspect and is admitted to a psychiatric hospital after claiming again that Chucky is responsible for the murder.

Child's Play (1988) dir. Tom Holland | BOSTON HASSLE

Karen goes home and is left with the weird looking doll. She starts losing her own mind and starts talking to Chucky to see what all of the fuss is with her demented child. At first, the doll just says its normal scripted lines. In frustration, she goes back to the kitchen to look at the box it came in. When Karen picks up the Good Guys box and drops a battery pack, Karen realizes that Chucky has been running without them the whole time. GASP! Well, it saves her the money to buy more! Enervated, looks at the back of the battery pack and notices they are empty, where Chucky then says his line a little more creepily while turning his head all the way around, exorcist style.

The Rare “Child's Play” VHS Screener Footage From 1989 | Nightmare Nostalgia

Karen becomes startled and drops him. When she finally picks him back up, she lights a fire and threatens to burn Chucky, causing him to violently come to life in her arms. “You stupid bitch, you filthy slut, I’ll teach you to fuck with me!”

Child's Play - The very first Chucky movie - yay or nay | Page 5 | Lipstick  Alley
Child's Play' 30th Anniversary Midnight Screening with Tom Holland -  PopHorror

One of the most iconic scenes in horror history. He attacks her with biting, like a normal child would do…He’s a real boy! Once she frees herself from his clutches, Chucky runs out of the apartment. Karen chases after him, but Chucky escapes.

Karen goes to the police station and explains what happened, but Mike doesn’t believe her. Since nobody is willing to work with her, she goes all rogue and tries to figure everything out herself. Karen runs down to homeless city to find the peddler and asks for more information about where he found the doll. The funny thing is that all of the homeless folk all have nice teeth, except for the peddler. I want to know their dentist! As the peddler tries to sexually assault her, Mike rescues her and the couple force the peddler to admit that he took the doll from the demolished toy store. Mike then realized that the doll came from the same store that he was at the night Charles Lee Ray was killed. Karen again tries to convince Mike that the doll is alive, but he refuses to believe her, like the cocky police officer he is, not willing to face the facts. After bringing Karen home, Mike is attacked by Chucky, while he is driving, attempting to strangle him and then stab him in his man parts from underneath the seat, causing him to eventually flip the car over.

☆CHUCKY ATTACKS MIKE - CHILD'S PLAY *FULL SCENE🔪 💀1080pHD✓ - YouTube

In the fight that follows, Chucky is shot and his wound inexplicably bleeds and causes pain. It was really funny how he fell backwards while he was shot. 1980’s effects are super cheesy, and I LOVE IT! Chucky got a little too cocky with assuming that he couldn’t be harmed…you know what they say about assuming…ass.

How 'Child's Play' Survived Bad Test Screenings to Become a Horror Classic  | Hollywood Reporter

The next day, Karen goes to Charle’s old apartment and guuuurl, does he need to find a gay friend to help with his decorating! I can’t even! Mike meets up with Karen and updates her of his attack and says that he is into voodoo and spends a lot of time with his instructor.

Chucky runs away with his former voodoo instructor John, who informs him that the longer Chucky remains on the doll, the more human he will become. That’s what you get for taking your sweet time prancing around in a toy and assuming that you are unable to be harmed! Chucky demands that John help him reverse the spell, but John refuses. It’s going back to my retail days with the customer refusing to read the fine print of store policies and goes all “I want to speak to your manager,” on John.

Latest Creepy Doll GIFs | Gfycat

Chucky’s hair does have the capacity to have the appropriate hairstyle to do so! Chucky grabs a voodoo doll from John and uses it to break his leg and arm. John reveals that in order to escape the doll, Chucky must transfer his soul to Andy, the first human he was revealed to. How exciting, Chucky can not only act immature, but be old enough to get away with it! How lovely! Chucky stabs the voodoo doll in the chest and escapes. Karen and Mike arrive shortly after. Before dying, John tells them that although Chucky is a doll, his heart is fully human at this point and vulnerable to fatal injuries. I just can’t believe that Chucky has a heart, and the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz struggles to find one. How unfair!

Child's Play (1988) | and you call yourself a scientist!?

Chucky arrives at the hospital where Andy is being held. Andy notices that Chucky is on his way to get him. The doctor doesn’t believe him, naturally. He escapes by using his arsenal of tricks and things to hide.

Confused Child'S Play GIF by HULU - Find & Share on GIPHY

The doctor finds Andy and tries to sedate him but gets attacked by Chucky and electrocuted to death by the electroshock machine. Maybe that type of treatment shouldn’t be administered? The struggle between Andy and the doctor with the sedative does reminds me of people refusing to get a COVID vaccine. That’s all I will say about that topic. I’m not going to go into science or politics…just let’s resume with the movie!

Andy escapes once again and flees home. We cut to the elevator where an elderly couple find Chucky riding up with him. The woman says its ugly right as they leave. Chucky then curses at them. I thought that was pretty funny! Chucky breaks into the apartment through the chimney like good ole’ Santa Claus and knocks him unconscious with a baseball bat.

Blu-Ray Review: Child's Play (Collector's Edition)

As Chucky prepares to possess him, Karen and Mike arrive to stop him.  Chucky cuts Mike’s leg, but then Karen throws him into the fireplace. Andy regains consciousness and drops a lit match on it, burning Chucky to a fine crisp. Before doing so, NOW chucky wants to be his friend and calms down. A little late for that. Excuse me, waiter…but my food is burnt. I can’t eat this!

Karen and Andy leave the room to help Mike. As Andy goes to find a first aid kit, he notices that a charred Chucky escape from the fireplace and eventually chases Andy. They play tag in the apartment and run around in circles a few times.

Child's Play (1988) - Rivers of Grue

Chucky stabs Karen in the hand as she holds the door closed to try and protect her son. Karen shoots Chucky multiple times, dismembering an arm, leg, head, and is again presumed dead. Mike’s partner Jack arrives at the apartment, initially refusing to believe the trio’s story as he messes with the evidence…like a good cop normally does. Eyeroll. Chucky’s body suddenly bursts through a vent to strangle Jack. During the fight, Mike shoots Chucky in the heart and eventually defeats him. Jack then tells him that no one would believe him. Because people suck!

Top 30 Child's Play Movie GIFs | Find the best GIF on Gfycat

Jack, Mike, Karen, and Andy all leave the room, and a freeze-frame shot captures Andy’s horrified face, having clearly been scarred by the experience, as the screen fades to black.

Let’s hand out some awards.

The Haunted Hunk award by default will have to go to Detective Mike. There are very limiting male characters, as it only follows Karen and Andy mostly. Jack was a complete moron, as well as the doctor and Eddie. So, you are lucky mister Mikey! But you are no Magic Mike!

The Killer Slay-aka best kill-will go to the doctor. There are very few deaths in this movie. Apart from Charles Lee Ray in the first scene, there are only four or so that get killed. The doctor was killed by a medically unorthodox practice which is poetic.

The Basic Beheading-aka worst kill- will go to Eddie. The buildup was nice before the house exploded, but I think what would be better is if he saw chucky in doll form before being killed, making a “gotcha” moment really work for that scene.

Overall Rating- 8.7 out of 10 ********

Overall, I love this movie! It is a classic that will never die, unlike Chucky in his assumptions. This movie has scared many children for years. It is pretty genius that a doll would terrorize people. The fact that they used robotics to make this happen convincingly back then is something that you should respect! Plus, I love the effects of the doll getting thrown back when it’s shot. I don’t know why it’s so funny to me!

Child's Play - Chucky's Death on Make a GIF

And I can’t help but compare Chucky’s behavior to the terrible twos!

Movie Review: Child's Play (1988) | by Patrick J Mullen | As Vast as Space  and as Timeless as Infinity | Medium

If you have seen or heard of this movie…comment below about what you like or dislike!

And there you have it! Another beatdown in the archives! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, I will be taking a break and will be going to my friend’s house for some much needed sleep. Since we are in a pandemic, I can’t do that. So we will all have to settle for, “Slumber Party Massacre” instead! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!

Movie Beatdown-Valentine

Welcome to another episode of my newly not so acclaimed, Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Valentine” Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Valentine is a 2001 American slasher film directed by Jamie Blanks and starring Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley SheltonJessica Capshaw, and Katherine Heigl. Loosely based on the novel of the same name by Tom Savage, the film follows a group of women in San Francisco who are stalked by a killer wearing a Cupid mask.

Released theatrically in February 2001, the film was critically panned, with critics deeming it too similar to 1980s slasher films. The film earned $36.7 million on a $10 million budget.

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

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At a junior high school St. Valentine’s Day dance in 1988 San Francisco, Jeremy Melton, an outcast student, asks four popular girls to dance one by one as they go in and out of the opening credits.

The first three girls, Shelley, Lily, and Paige reject him spitefully. It is bringing back all of my middle school nightmares, minus the girls part (just kidding, I only danced with the girls back in the day to block them from the idiotic boys). The fourth girl, Kate, politely responds “maybe later”. Their overweight friend Dorothy accepts Jeremy’s invitation and they proceed to secretly make out underneath the bleachers. When the school bully Joe Tulga and his friends discover them, Dorothy claims that Jeremy sexually assaulted her which is completely uncalled for. Joe and his friends dump a batch of fruit punch on him, then publicly strip and severely beat Jeremy, and his nose starts bleeding under the distress. It is later revealed Jeremy was expelled and eventually transferred to a reform school. Sad. Look what you did!

Jeremy Melton | Villains Wiki | Fandom

Thirteen years later, in 2001, Shelley played by Katherine Heigl, known for being on Gray’s Anatomy goes on a third person speaking Jason, as he arrogantly talks about himself. She was hating every minute of it as she wrote the words “help me” on her food. Like, she would assume that somebody was going to fly in and save her? The check comes, and like normal idiotic men, couldn’t afford the tab. He LITERALLY breaks down who paid for what to help him pay a lesser bill. Great first and last date! She leaves to go study. She is now a medical student at UCLA, is at the morgue one evening studying for her medical exam. She talked to the dead body she named Chad, and as she was studying the parts, she talked to it stating she liked the “silent type,”. Me too Katherine…me too.

Movie Review: Valentine (2001). I think it's pretty safe to say this is… |  by Patrick J Mullen | As Vast as Space and as Timeless as Infinity | Medium

She becomes interrupted by a noise and walks to the locker room After receiving a vulgar Valentine’s card in her locker, she heads back into the room and the dead body moved and discovered that Chad was moved. She turned back to notice that who she thought was Chad has now disappeared. Uh-oh, didn’t know that was about zombies! Shelley suddenly was attacked by a man in a trench coat and Cupid mask, which is much more reasonable than the baby face in “Happy Death Day,”. This mask is actually creepy, and slightly alluring. She is cornered in a cooler used to store cadavers, where she attempts to hide in a body bag to set herself up for her untimely death. They don’t have to do much work, its all done for the police! Much to our surprise, the killer finds her and slits her throat.

Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

For a moment I thought the killer was Seth Rogan for having regrets for knocking her up…but I then figured that he would be too stoned to do that! The killer’s nose bleeds as she dies. It must be dry in there! You would assume that a cooler would have some sort of moisture to preserve the dead bodies.

Valentine Revisited: A Fascinating Post-Scream Slasher – /Film

Paige, played by Denise Richards from the more recent seasons of the Real Housewives of Orange County, and Kate, played by Marley Shelton who went on to play the famous Deputy Judy Hicks in Scream 4 head to a speed dating night. Paige encourages Kate to move on from Adam who continuously disappoints her with her drinking habits. Why not play Russian roulette with a bunch of random crazy and desperate men. We have to give them credit, because none of these closet cases had Grindr. So you can’t blame them! There was only one close to normal candidate, but Paige like the best friend that she is took him away from her. I love friends! Kate then gets the call that Shelley has been murdered. What a fun night, ruined!

At Shelley’s funeral, Kate walks out with Adam played by the dreamy and drool worthy David Boreanaz from Bones and Angel…woof. Of course, she finds a bottle of alcohol in his front seat. I think a box of chocolates would do. He expresses that he is trying his best to control his habits. In the famous words of Marsha Brady, “Sure Jan.”

Valentine (2001)

Kate, Lily, who is played by Jessica Cauffiel who was the Elle Wood’s best friend in Legally Blonde who gave Professor Montoya a lap dance…luckily, Paige, and Dorothy who is played by Jessica Brooke Capshaw who also went to Gray’s Anatomy are questioned. They admit to not having seen her in some time after she moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

Valentine (2001)

Dorothy gets home to her super expensive mansion owned by her rich father. She receives an obscene card with the signature of JM. Her boyfriend, Campbell, shows up and loses his apartment and temporarily moves in with her at her father’s large mansion. Her stepmother who is a much younger mail order bride wannabe who opposes the decision. They fight, like any rebellious daughter would do to their newly unemployable hooker of a stepmom, who now doesn’t have to work hard for them coins!

Valentine (2001)

We then cut to Kate, taking a shower as she gets ready for work. She hears a noise and checks it out wrapped in her oversized towel…pretty much a blanket. After noticing nothing out of the ordinary, she tries to turn the shower back on and noticed that the water has been shut off. She checked the fridge for her bottled water. Only an eighth is in there…who does that?! Who leaves that little water in a bottle and saves it?! She was left with no other choice but to wash the shampoo off in the toilet.

Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

I hope she flushed before doing that, or else she would have poo to go with her shampoo. She dries her hair off and finds her door open and overhears the elevator and finds the cupid mask keeping the door ajar. Her creepy neighbor Gary then comes onto her with some jank AF Dr. Seuss wannabe rhymes. “You look great, Kate.” And keeps going. He does it for three or four more times until she says “You’re scary, Gary.” Personally, I would go with this rhyme. “F*** you, Gary!” I’m such a poet! First time.

Lily and Paige then watch the video dating movies. I had to continuously remind myself that this was 2001 and Myspace wasn’t even created yet, so I had to excuse these desperate attempts to find a valentine. She couldn’t even go out with Tom! I do miss seeing him on my top seven list. Lily then receives an obscene card and a box of chocolates and finds out they were filled with maggots after taking a bite. First of all, that takes a lot of work to create these candies with that filling second of all, I would prefer maggots in my chocolates than almonds…just an opinion. Keep your nutty chocolates to yourself!

Valentine 2001 horror movie - YouTube

As the girls attend the exhibit of Lily’s artist boyfriend Max, who definitely could benefit from a haircut for sure. The exhibit is a Valentine’s day theme with video screens of men and women’s mouths saying silly comments in the form of a maze. Groundbreaking. Lily becomes lost at the exhibit after Max invites a second girl to join them in their make out session. I guess she is not into sharing.

Best Jessica Cauffiel GIFs | Gfycat

The killer appears, who proceeds to shoot her repeatedly with arrows until she falls several floors into a dumpster. I found this kill to be very poetic with the cupid theme. I just wish that she didn’t give her lucky scrunchie to Elle Woods. She probably would’ve survived her murder if she had her lucky charm. What a shame!

Valentine (2001) — Keep Screaming
Jessica Cauffiel | Cinemorgue Wiki | Fandom

Of course, the cupid’s nose bleeds again because he didn’t have any tampons to plug it. I’m using a “She’s the Man” reference where Amanda Bynes uses a tampon to stop a nosebleed. I normally don’t do menstrual jokes. Deal with it.

Don't Worry About Switching Period Products Because of Your IUD - Women.com

By the way, I am posting the picture of Amanda Bynes in this blog from “She’s the Man,” to prove a point that I didn’t think of the nosebleeds as a period joke. Don’t get mad at me…get mad at Amanda Bynes. Now, back to Valentine!

The rest of the group meet Campbell’s bitter ex-girlfriend Ruthie, who accuses him of being a con artist.

Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

Adam and Kate meet thereafter at a bar to shoot the shit, and of course she still has reservations of his drinking problems. You go girl!

Valentine (2001) | 2000's Movie Guide

The next day, the detective questions Kate, Paige, and Dorothy and notice that they received a card from Jeremy Melton, who they assume is the person that sent them the messages. They have a hunch that he is back for revenge after their bitchy middle school crap that they pulled on him to make him go cray-cray. Once the detective left, Dorothy admits to Jeremy not sexually assaulting her at the dance and blamed her “former pudgy” disposition as a crutch for her stupid lie. Let’s not blame the way the good lord made you for your crappy decisions. You sure didn’t use that excuse for that crappy hair job!

JCapedia on Twitter: "#TBT to @JessicaCapshaw in the movie "Valentine" (2001)  as Dorothy. Ps: I just watched this movie today again.… "

That evening, Kate talks to Adam about the Jeremy Melton hypothesis. She finally invites him for a night cap, but he declines this time. Probably to come over to my house…I love Bones. I love Booth.

The following day at the police station, they still try to crack the Jeremy Melton code with the detective. They run through ridiculous photo rendering possibilities making him look like he aged  horribly. Come on police, some people grow up to be hot! After much discussion, the assumption of Jeremy Melton is that he is Campbell, frustrating Dorothy as she stormed out. After Kate followed, the sleazeball detective hits on Paige which is very professional. I guess he needed more ammunition in his gun.

Valentine (2001)

Meanwhile, a hot iron is left on in Kate’s apartment (very irresponsible by the way!). The cupid takes it and finds creepy Gary in her room as he pulls a rocky horror moment and tries on her panties and thigh high stockings before getting burned on the face and bashed in the head repeatedly. At least he was all hot and spicy in black in lacy! Just the way I want to leave this world.

Valentine (2001)

Kate comes home to Adam outside of her building and they exchange a brief hello. She feels bad about neglecting him and gives him a coupon for “Free TLC,” I know it means tender love and care…but I grew up with straight brothers and all I hear is “Tables, Ladders, and Chairs!”. We watched a lot of wrestling growing up. I can be butch if I want to!

As Valentine’s Day approaches, Dorothy is planning a party at her family’s estate. On the morning of the party, Dorothy gifts Campbell with a cheap ass watch…probably from Kohls, to express her love. By the way, I have nothing against Kohls. They have great options for your everyday style! He then gifts her with a golden cupid necklace, that didn’t even come close to Kohls…more like a gumball machine. He then tries to clean out Dorothy’s family accounts, like Ruthie predicted earlier. Scumbag. He is interrupted to assist with lighting the pilot light in the basement, where the killer murders Campbell with an ax…Probably wearing axe body spray when he died too. It was that time period where it was a thing!

Retro Review - Valentine (2001) - PopHorror

The party begins with bitchin rock music, making me regret that I didn’t have friends like this in my twenties and questioning all of my life choices. Kate finds Dorothy eating an entire platter of chicken wings. They assume he has simply left her. Adam shows up with his stupid IOU coupon for that TLC. He can now piledrive her through the table after hitting her in the head with a chair…Damn you wrestling!

Paige finds the creep from speed dating that she kindly stole from Kate and lures her upstairs for some privacy. They start to do straight people things (I dunno…work on a car? Is that what straight people do?) He pulls down his pants to show off his anatomy. Paige was unimpressed with his sleazy behavior, but plays along with his stupidity. She ties him to the bed and blindfolds him. I figured she had a nasty side…I mean, she WAS married to Charlie Sheen. *shrugs shoulders*. She gets back at the douchebag and pours hot candle wax onto his member. He DID ask for her to wax it…and then walked out to leave him alone.

Denise Richards from the film Valentine - 2001 - Home | Facebook
Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

After Paige reunites with Kate and Dorothy, in comes raging bitch Ruthie. She makes Dorothy’s night worse by calling out her newly cheap gift from Campbell was actually her. So, she has the crappy sense of jewelry! I got you! Dorothy is aggravated that more evidence is piling up that he never loved her, only her money. Paige and Kate forcefully escort her out of the building like good friends. Paige needed to be left alone and grabs a bottle of champagne and finds her own quiet time. Kate then gets hit on by creepy Max, who revealed that Lily never made it to LA. Of course, wasn’t really focused on his missing girlfriend for much longer. He was prepared to move on.

Valentine - Movie Review : Alternate Ending

Ruthie sneaks back into the mansion, and rummages through Campbell’s belonging and takes his Kohls watch before being interrupted. She sneaks through the lower level of the building into an overly amazing plaid den, which I want. She finds the killer dragging the newly killed maid with a nosebleed, yet again. The killer could’ve at least asked the maid to clean up his nose before she died! Rude! Ruthie runs into the spa and hides under a bench in the sauna. She stays there for a good couple of minutes, which is longer than most victims who assume that the killer leaves within seconds. She finds Campbells body, and then tries to sneak out, tiptoeing through the loud tiled floor to not cause any sort of noise whatsoever! She soon gets hurled by the killer through the shower, ends up with a bloody face. Some of her blood must’ve gotten on the killer’s mask because there was some blood dripping down it’s nose (lol). Her head eventually gets thrusted through one of the remaining shards, impaling her neck.

Valentine (2001)

Kate now finds Adam taking shots, committing very hard to his twelve step plan of sobriety, angering her. Then we cut to Paige having her quiet time in the hot tub in this greenhouse like room. It’s actually kind of cool. I’m all about the earth! The killer sneaks in and interrupts her. Of course, she saw nothing but a rose that was placed by her champagne bottle, causing her to become concerned.

Valentine is a Respectable Alternative to My Bloody Valentine [Here's Why]

She looks through the amazing greenery, where much to our surprise the killer was hiding until he throws Paige into the hot tub and locking her inside. She panics while trying to find a way out. The nose bleed happens again, which at this point the killer needs to see an ENT doctor to get this shit cauterized. He grabs a drill and starts trying to attack her until there was a successful impaling of her shoulder, which caused her to go under before having the drill thrown in to electrocute her and shut off all the power to end the party. What a party pooper! I will also say that this is also poetic that in the beginning of the movie, when younger Paige rejected Jeremy Melton, she said that “She would rather be boiled alive.”

Valentine (2001) – the agony booth

I love it!

The party disintegrates when the power cuts out, and Dorothy and Kate argue over who the killer is. Kate claims that Campbell could be a suspect because they do not know anything about him or where he is, while Dorothy counters by accusing Adam, Kate’s recovering alcoholic on-off boyfriend, who is now a journalist. Dorothy feels attacked for being the “fat girl” of the group and storms off for not getting any sort of decency…which I don’t see at all. I understand this in the real world. I just think that she is comfortable playing little miss victim. Just saying!

JCapedia on Twitter: "#TBT to @JessicaCapshaw in the movie "Valentine" (2001)  as Dorothy. Ps: I just watched this movie today again.… "

After being told by Lily’s boyfriend that she did not arrive in Los Angeles as planned, Kate realizes she is also probably dead and calls the detective assigned to the case. After dialing the number, she follows the sound of a ringtone outside the house and discovers the detective’s severed head in the pond surrounded by gorgeous lily pads. I would’ve just hung out there for the night if the party was still going on! Screw all them drinkers. Kate becomes startled and runs back to the now empty mansion.

Kate becomes convinced that Adam is actually Jeremy, disguised by reconstructive surgery, being the only one left in the house. To her surprise, he asks her to dance. Kate becomes frightened, knees him in the groin and flees. She runs through the house, being creepily chased by Adam as he quickly recovers from his smashed privates. He must have balls of steel! Drool!

Identity : Adam Carr, Valentine Movie Fanlisting Angel 02.22

She soon discovers the corpses of Paige and Ruthie. Well, the maid can’t clean this shit up, now can’t she?!  She locates a gun, which is perfect training for her before she becomes deputy sheriff of Woodsboro (Scream 4).

Valentine 2001 slasher GIF - Find on GIFER

 The Cupid masked killer jumps out from the darkness and sends them both tumbling down the winding staircase like a perfect pair of slinkies. The killer arises and is shot to death by Adam. As a shocked and confused Kate apologizes profusely, Adam pulls off the mask to reveal Dorothy. GASP!

Valentine (2001)

How could she?! Adam forgives Kate, explaining that childhood trauma can lead to lifelong anger and some people are eventually forced to act on that anger, referring to Dorothy. As Kate and Adam wait for the police to arrive, they hug while Adam says he has always loved her. Moments later, when Kate closes her eyes, his nose begins to bleed, revealing that he is in fact Jeremy Melton and the true killer, framing the dead Dorothy for his crimes.

Blu-Ray Review: “Valentine” Collector's Edition Hits The Mark | Rue Morgue

So, the lesson here is that plastic reconstructive surgery or even just an amazing groom job can turn the most unfortunate of appearances into straight up hotties…just ask Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality. And even the worst of past experiences could make anybody do the craziest of things…just ask Sandra Bullock in The Proposal.

Sandra Bullock Surprises Warren Easton High School Graduates Video - ABC  News

Also, Adam needs a new nose! I’m sick of him getting blood on my carpet!

The End!

Let’s hand out some awards.

The Haunted Hunk award with no surprise will go to Adam. He will be my fifth ex husband…I already have that planned, and there is nothing you all can say that will stop me! His nosebleeds may be a turnoff, but after an ENT doctor and a humidifier…I’m sure we will be just fine!

The Killer Slay award-aka best kill- will go to Paige. I loved the suspense of her be locked inside a hot tub and eventually drilled and electrocuted. She played the promiscuous one, and she got drilled…and boiled alive.

The Basic Beheading award-aka worst kill- will go to the detective. I wish that they showed a little more of his story on how he was murdered. They show him calling Kate, telling her they caught the wrong suspect and that he was on his way…to no body. That is no what to get ahead in this movie!

Rating- 7.5 stars out of 10 *******

I don’t have the ability to use half-asterisks.

As much as the general public didn’t like this movie, I did for the most part. I love when there is some sort of tie in to a reference. The cupid kills Lily with arrows. Paige would rather be boiled alive than dance with Jeremy Melton, which she got her wish. It was pretty obvious who the killer was, which is fine in this case because:

  1. It’s David Boreanaz.
  2. There was a lot of cheesy slasher elements that made it forgivable.
  3. It’s David Boreanaz.
David Boreanaz shirtless sexy photo shoot hot rare buffy the vampire slayer  bones booth | Mike The Fanboy

If I could give any criticism in the movie, they could’ve tied up a few loose ends with certain kills like the maid or detective. The maid is forgivable, since she only has one line and is too busy cleaning up after entitled rich people. The detective could’ve had the sleazeball ending that we would all love to see!

If you have seen or heard of this movie…comment below about what you like or dislike!

And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be taking a break with all of the sweet Valentine candies and move onto something I would like more than that for the holiday. Stuffed animals. Since I don’t have any of those, we will just have to settle for the amazingly cult classic, “Child’s Play”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!

Oh, and Happy Valentines Day!

Movie Beatdown-Would You Rather

It’s time for your newly favorite day of the week! It’s Movie beatdown time! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Would You Rather”. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Would You Rather is a 2012 American psychological horror-thriller film, directed by David Guy Levy and starring Brittany Snow and Jeffrey Combs. It is based on the party game “would you rather,” and centers on a woman named Iris as she attends a dinner party, where she must partake in life-threatening games to help her sick younger brother secure a donor after he contracts leukaemia. The film premiered at Screamfest 2012.

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

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Iris, a young woman played by Brittany Snow, from many of my favorite movies (“Pitch Perfect”, “John Tucker Must Die”, “Prom Night” remake. I loved growing up with her when she was on a little horse and pony of a tv show called “American Dreams”. If you can’t tell, I love Brittany Snow!), caring for her sick brother Raleigh, is unable to afford the costs of his treatment for leukaemia.

Would You Rather (2012) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

She struggles with finding work to help pay for the costs since her parents both died in an accident, leaving her to drop out of college. Raleigh’s oncologist Dr. Barden introduces Iris to Shepard Lambrick, a philanthropist who offers her a deal: if she wins a parlour game at a dinner party he is hosting, he will pay for Raleigh’s treatment and locate a bone marrow donor for him without any waiting lists or complications. She was initially reluctant to partaking in the game. Suddenly, Dr. Barden has a commercial testimonial moment where he praises how it worked for him in his time of need. Blah blah blah, “If it could happen to me, it could happen to you!” crap.

would you rather | An Englishwoman in Salem

That evening, she prepares dinner for her brother speaking in broken ass French. I mean, she pronounced monsignor as Mon Sewer! She received another phone call that she didn’t qualify for a job she applied for. The next day, she makes the decision to go to Shepard’s manor to partake in the game. She tells her brother that she is going out with high school friends, like any normal family member would do…keeping secrets. She gets picked up in their vehicle, not even a limousine! Cheap Uber bastards! While on the way there, she has flashbacks of conversations with Raleigh about him feeling sorry for all of the medical and financial burden being thrusted onto her abruptly. She, like a good sister doesn’t show any sort of sorrow and is willing to help at whatever cost.

Once she arrives at the manor, Iris is escorted into the main room and introduced to his son Julian and the other contestants: Lucas; Travis, a war veteran; Linda, a paralyzed elderly woman; Peter, a gambling addict; Amy; Conway, an alcoholic debtor (played by John Heard, who was best known for playing everybody’s favorite dad in Home Alone, Peter McCallister) ; and Cal.

We cut back to Dr. Barden, who is pensively drinking a cocktail who reminisces on the conversation with Shepard where Shepard thinks that Iris is a perfect candidate, but Barden is reluctant to allowing an innocent girl like Iris to partake in the upcoming events. Before being summoned for dinner, the group is asked to give all personal belongings, which is a red flag right there! The group all complies, and are then escorted to the game.

Would You Rather (2012) - Review - PopHorror

A steak and foie gras dinner is served for dinner. But Iris, a vegetarian, initially declines to eat it. Shepard then offers her $10,000 to compromise her principles; she reluctantly accepts his offer and eats the steak, not even with steak sauce. It was like a G-rated version of Fear Factor. When Shepard realizes Conway is a recovering alcoholic, which is expected since he raised a son that terrorized his home in order to keep the burglars away. he offers him $10,000 to drink a glass of wine. When Conway declines, Shepard offers him $50,000 to drink an entire decanter of Scotch, which Conway accepts.

Well, OBVIOUSLY, Participation is No Longer Voluntary.” | My Geek Blasphemy

After dinner ends, the game begins. Shepard reveals it to be a version of the party game “Would You Rather” in which players must choose between two options. He uses a simple example of asking one of the gentlemen if they would rather kiss Iris, or another male. Naturally, the guy said Iris. They weren’t forced to, but Linda assumed that they would have to kiss each other. Love her! Shepard continued to explain that the contestants had fifteen seconds to pick which one they would do, and if not on time they would be out. If they couldn’t complete the task, they would be out as well. Once the rules were fully explained, the group was given one last opportunity to leave without playing and in return would have no chance at a better life. Conway initially thought about leaving in his drunken stupor with his money, but then sat back down. I don’t know if it was based on desire to keep winning, or he was too drunk to stand. If it was me, I would drag my drunk ass out that door with 50,000 and make up the rest of my financial burdens with prostitution! But that’s just me. The group all decided to stay and play.

Would You Rather | SCREAMFEST

After Shepard’s butler, a former MI5 agent named Bevans, wheels in an electric shock machine, Conway attempts to leave but is shot dead, drunk and without the $50,000. Sad.

The Horror Club: Would You Rather? (2013)

The remaining contestants learn how serious and deadly the game is and recognize they can only win the game if they are the last surviving player. The first round is played by having two contestants connected to the shock machine, and one person decides whether they should shock themselves or the other person. Cal is first to give the shock to either himself or Amy. After fifteen seconds, he shocks himself. Amy gets a rise out of this, which irritated me. Amy is given the choice to shock herself or poor old Linda. Without hesitation she shocks Linda. I hate her. After Linda takes a while to come back to her senses, she is given the choice to either shock herself or Peter. Naturally, she chose Peter. The contestants take turns making the difficult decision, and the round ends with no one eliminated with Shepard getting a complete rise out of their suffering.

Review: 'Would You Rather' See This Movie, Or Make A Better Use Of Your Ten  Bucks? | IndieWire

It cuts to Dr. Barden grabbing a gun in his drawer and begins to drive away. It is revealed while Dr. Barden is driving that he had scars on his temples, indicating that he was a survivor of the game and endured the shock himself. The group is given a short break while they prepare their second round. They try to figure a way to escape. Julian walks in arrogantly as he messes with their heads. I normally don’t wish anything bad upon people. But since this is a movie character, I hope he gets Lou Gehrig’s! Travis steps in and tries to stand up for the group against Julian’s behavior. The butlers then wrap the area in plastic. Are they renovating? How exciting! Torture, AND décor! Dr. Barden finally arrives at the manor and sneaks in through a window.

The group reconvenes in the second round, where each contestant has 30 seconds to choose between stabbing someone in the thigh with an ice pick or whipping Travis (due to the bitchy pettiness of Julian telling his daddy like a five year old!) three times with a sjambok, which is an African whipping staff.

Would You Rather (2013) - Rotten Tomatoes

Travis takes the role of the hero, being a military veteran and having the ability to endure pain. Ultimately, Travis is severely injured after allowing Iris, Lucas, and even taking the whip on his own turn. Julian smugly observes like a little sissy…again, Lou Gehrig’s.

JokesterWrites — Julian Lambrick x Reader (Julian playing his won...

Peter, knowing he won’t survive another lashing, stabs Linda in the leg assuming she is paralyzed and wouldn’t feel it, but he hits a femoral artery and she dies. Amy is given the choice to stab any player or whip Travis. She expresses that she is here to win, and only one can survive. She chooses to shank Iris in the side, prison style.

Manley's Movie Review — Would You Rather

I’m not a huge fan of her character, but I do understand her ruthlessness and understanding of their hostage situation, doing whatever she needs to do to win and survive. Travis dies soon after Cal has been given the choice to whip him, taking in Amy’s approach to the game, needing to eliminate everybody to win. And now we are down to five.

Lucas causes a distraction and everyone except Amy attempts to escape the room (teacher’s pet). Cal advances on Shepard with the sjambok as Lucas attacks the guards and Iris escapes. Naturally, Julian hides away from the violence like a wimp. After Shepard shoots and kills Cal, the others surrender. Shepard sends Bevans and Julian after Iris; Naturally, in any escape situation, Iris runs up the stairs instead of finding an exit on the main level or the basement. With a few minutes of cat and mouse, Iris eventually ends up in a lower level and tries to escape out a window. Julian finds her and attempts to rape her like the little bastard he is, but she stabs him with the ice pick. It’s not Lou Gehrig’s…but I will settle. Dr. Barden, who has had second thoughts about sending Iris to Shepard, breaks into the manor to save her. Before they can escape, Bevans kills Dr. Barden and escorts Iris back to the game by force. I guess we are now down to four!

The third round begins with each player having 30 seconds to choose to be submerged underwater in a barrel for two minutes, or an unknown task written on a card that is placed in front of them. Peter chooses a card using his gambling knowledge, which requires him to light a firecracker in his hand; when it explodes, it causes a heart attack, and he dies. That was definitely not a firecracker! It was a freakin’ stick of dynamite!

I was surprised to see Ricky in a shitty horror movie on Netflix (Would You  Rather) : trailerparkboys

They even used everybody’s most useful tool, duct tape, to fasten it to his hand. I would rather stick with the duct tape to tuck back in my drag days, or even to shut Julian’s god forsaken loudmouth over taping dynamite to my hand!  Lucas’ card forces him to slit open his own eyeball, or what I’m going to call “giving him eyeslashes!”.

Would You Rather | Netflix

He does so and survives. Iris chooses the barrel and survives (her unpicked card is revealed to have all her teeth extracted, which is still hot). During her submerging, she has a flashback of her brother talking about drowning which is very fitting for the occasion.

Kalypso Skitz

Amy then chooses her card and learns that she must be submerged underwater for four minutes, and she drowns without getting a proper breath. The ruthless one who was so committed to the game has lost valiantly. And now we are in the final round with our final two! How exciting!

With only Iris and Lucas in the final round, Iris is given the choice to either shoot and kill Lucas to win the game, or spare him, which would result in both walking away empty-handed. After some anticipation with Lucas talking about how they could leave together Iris abruptly shoots Lucas in the chest, killing him. Shepard crowns her the champion as the crowd goes wild. It was quite obnoxious that everybody was cheering while Iris breaks down naturally for killing a man.

Manley's Movie Review — Would You Rather

Shepard gives her a bag full of money and explains that a donor has already been located for her brother and they will do the procedure within a week. I wonder if she gets to walk away with all the other guests’ belongings. I mean, might as well grab a wallet! There might be a credit card, or a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club!

When Iris arrives home, she showers off the blood, probably a little shame for all she had to do.  discovers Raleigh had committed suicide by overdosing on pills while she was out. She weeps at her dead brother’s side at the loss of her only remaining family and realizing that there was no point in her playing the game. That really bites!

Well, OBVIOUSLY, Participation is No Longer Voluntary.” | My Geek Blasphemy

The end!

So, I do like this movie. There is something to say about a situation that you are placed where you are at your lowest point, and you will need to do whatever it takes to better your life without selling your body on the street. The character differentiation was fairly solid, where there was a little bit of representation in every archetype. I will say that they could do a little bit better with those characters. I don’t know if I would personally do what they had to in order to survive. I just might do an OnlyFans page or something, and then commit to the game if that doesn’t work out…which it probably would. I mean…I’m no hottie!

Let’s hand out some awards!

The Haunted Hunk award will go to Travis. Nothing is hotter than a man that is willing to take a beating for complete strangers! Plus, he is into whipping, which might be a turn on for some members of the LGBT community!

The Killer Slay-aka best kill- will go to Travis as well. He most definitely had the most gruesome death. Being whipped twelve times to death. That is insane!

The Basic Beheading-aka worst kill- will go to Julian. It’s a little uncertain that he died in the movie. However, he was shanked in the thigh by Iris after attempting to rape her, and he was an arrogant prick with nothing to back up his cockiness. So, he is dead to me! Not only that, but they could’ve also made him dead to me better!

If you are looking for a more valid basic death, we will just go with Cal. He gets shot in the line of defense to try and help Iris escape. There you go…a more valid answer. I hope you are all happy!

Overall Rating 7/10 *******

I will say that by default that any movie with Brittany Snow will NEVER get a bad rating! Sue me. She can play a final girl very well! I think she can portray innocence and grit, which is are two of my favorite qualities in a final girl. She should be in more horror movies! I do like where the story as a whole went. I was sad for Iris to lose her brother after working hard to save him. I didn’t give the rating low for that reason. I did more for the portrayal of certain characters. I also thought that this movie was like “Diet Saw,” meaning it was a lighter torture porn version of what you would get out of Saw, and I like that. Sometimes I just can’t handle a fully caffeinated beverage.

And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, I will be expressing my love and affection for all you readers and your commitment to my blog. I can’t give you all chocolates, but I can give you a beatdown of the very romantically horrific movie from 2001’s “Valentine”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!

Movie Beatdown-Dead Body

Its time for another weekly/biweekly Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Dead Body”. Keep in mind, that there are many titles under this name. For this post, we are going to tackle the movie made in 2017. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Now, before I begin, I will not be mentioning who stars in this movie. If I’m not mistaken, there are none of these actors that are even close to well known, so it is pointless to point out their uneventful careers. Sorry to the actors, but you signed up for this movie. You only have yourselves to blame!

Second side note, there are not too many images of this movie. So I am unable to take you too deep into my recap with as many images. I guess nobody else liked this movie?

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is preview.jpg

We open the movie to a girl who runs through the woods screaming in terror. She takes a lean on a tree, crying about god knows what…probably cramps. Eventually, she finds an abandoned shed where she hides on the side. She covers her mouth since her stupid breathing is too loud that it could attract attention. I’m assuming she is a mouth breather. As the killer gets closer to her, she grabs a rock to prepare herself for an attack, but it backfires since she sucks at defending herself and gets knocked to the ground. She pants in fear and looks surprised as she found out whodunnit. “It was you the whole time?!”

Dead Body (2017) Cast and Crew, Trivia, Quotes, Photos, News and Videos -  FamousFix

Cuts to blackout.

Twelve hours earlier, future Ivy Leaguer Dominic prepares to entertain his former high school friend Ilsa for the weekend. His plan is it for just to be the two of them, and the two Japanese exchange students, Mariko and Kenji who constantly can’t keep their hands off each other as they hook up within the first ten seconds of the movie (Gross…straight people sex). Dominic’s plans go awry when Ilsa arrives with her friend and much older (and slightly attractive) boyfriend, Dwayne and her rebellious chain-smoking friend, Sarah. Duane is 23 years old…not much older, but we have all been eighteen before. Twenty-year olds were ancient in our eyes back then! He was not happy that Ilsa didn’t confide in him before inviting extra guests. He LITERALLY said that he didn’t have enough Brie and crackers for these people. Eventually, Dominic comes around and is confident that the weekend will still go according to plan. Then another guest arrives, Marcus and Rumor who are the more borderline geeky archetypes, frustrating Dominic even more. And to top it off we had Eli being the final guest of the weekend party who is the stoner of the group, bringing a shovel with him. He stated that, “I was told that we are staying in a cabin. I thought we would have to dig a hole for us to shit in.” WTF?! I don’t know what kind of cabin he was going to, but most of them have some sort of plumbing…maybe even an outhouse!

Dead Body (2017) YIFY - Download Movie TORRENT - YTS

We then cut tot the group playing in the river all dressed in their swimsuits. The guys are doing their normal teenage guy thing…avoiding the girls and tackling each other. Butch guy things. Sara and Ilsa lay out on their own as they talk about nonsense.

Dead Body YIFY Torrent Magnet & Dead Body YIFY Subtitles

Rumor confides in Marcus with apprehension that this weekend will not be fun for him since he is socially awkward and doesn’t fit in. Then we have Eli and Dwayne stand there looking muscley while Dwane is nervous that somebody is going to make Ilsa swoon. You know, normal twenty-three-year-old straight guy insecurities. Eli just brushes it off as she smokes a joint. The only thing I got from that conversation is abs (I’m sorry. If the conversation is lame, which most of the dialogue is in this movie, then you know I’m going to try my best to find a redeeming quality! Sorry not sorry.).

Dead Body (2017) Download YIFY Movie Torrent - YTS

It cuts to nighttime and the kids are partying. Eli appears to be jacked up on crazy shit on the couch. The two girls make out while the foreign exchange students practically do it in front of everybody else. Rumor is sitting in the kitchen by himself as he writes copious notes in his journal. These kids appear to be having the time of their lives! How cute. Eli has a stupid hallucination of a goose and suddenly doesn’t feel safe. Again, I will underscore that the dialogue in this movie is not the best, not by a longshot! Ilsa notices Marcus alone outside on the deck, and he expresses his feelings for her and apologizes for intruding on Dwayne. She confesses that she brought Dwayne here only for the purpose of using him as a shield from Dominic and his potential tendencies, after they only knew each other from one hookup. Once the group reconvenes, Dwayne was curious about how they knew each other and finds out that they all go to the same high school together. He then assumes that they will be going to college together since he knows that most of them are planning on going to Harvard. Dominic tells him that he is number four on the waiting list and that his parents are pissed. Dwayne doesn’t care, and neither do I! Dwayne mentions that all of his friends from high school are “dead” or, as he vaguely acknowledges “dead to him”, Causing some suspicion.

Dead Body Trailer (2017)

When they become bored of the dead people talk, ‘nerdy’ Rumor (played by a poor man’s Tom Lenk) suggests playing Dead Bodies. The game is played like this: one of the group is chosen to be the killer when slips of paper are picked. Everyone must then hide. The killer must then go around and pinch people, “killing them”. Then if someone finds a dead body, they must shout “DEAD BODY” and everyone then convenes to discuss who they think the killer is. The first round happens when the lights go out and people start to scatter around the dark cabin. Sarah tries to find a spot behind a curtain…rookie move! She then tries to find another spot and stumbles upon the male foreign exchange student with ketchup on his neck as he lays on the floor, startling her and screams loudly causing everybody to come back. She wasn’t enthused about the game, but who cares. The kid has ketchup, and I suddenly have a craving for French fries! The group tries to start the round over again, and Sarah is over it, but is guided into the basement by Mariko. The two meanders around the dark room and find their individual spots to hide in. Mariko plays with her phone and gives up her location with the super bright background. Does she know that she should only focus on one thing at a time? She then gets attacked from behind by a tarp over her head and being repeatedly stabbed by a cheese knife, looking like a prison shanking moment. Sarah is over the game now as the group gets back together. She becomes concerned that Mariko hasn’t come back, and nobody believes her. Sarah storms out in frustration as the rest of the group assumes that she is hooking up with Kenji.

The group resumes the game without Sarah, Ilsa runs upstairs and tries to sneak into a locked bedroom. After breaking in, she crawls to a hiding spot, assuming that it’s the exchange student’s hooking up. She eventually finds Dominic, Mariko, and Kenji in the bed as they are all covered in blood. Ilsa becomes startled, and now the group minus Sarah gets nervous as they see corpses. They try to call 911 but their service is bad, yet they text each other throughout the movie (hmmm…). It clearly isn’t Verizon Wireless (Not trying to advertise!). They have no choice but to wait until they can drive to the police. But Rumor comes to the conclusion that since there are no signs of forced entry, the killer has to be one of them. *Que dramatic music*

Dead Body (2017) - IMDb

They split up, as a stupid move and look around for the killer. Eventually, Rumor and Marcus find Mariko’s blood in the basement and soon realize that the victims died with each round of the game with their Hardy Boys logic. The kids then proceed to blame each other for various reasons, playing up to their stereotypes. Dwayne tries to be tough. Typical. Rumor cowers to the corner. Typical. Its then revealed that Rumor had an overly obsessive journal with following Mariko, making him the potential suspect.

Review: Bobbin Ramsey's DEAD BODY | Horror Society

Cut to Sarah outside walking through the woods with her constant pack of cigarettes, she stumbles upon a man tied to a tree and gagged. She runs away, scared and heads into the house. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that she’s the killer since she was with Mariko when she died and was gone when the other two were killed.

Dead Body Trailer (2017)

They handcuff her to the bed where the corpses lay, like the real friends that they are. I want friends like that! Tie me up! No really, what was more concerning was why these teenagers have red fuzzy handcuffs so early in their life?

These teenagers have the worse case of paranoia and constant blaming I have ever seen! They keep accusing each other even after putting Sarah in hell and cuffing her with corpses…in red handcuffs. After coming to their senses, the group decides to move Sarah to a less grim setting and away from bodies. Before they do that, the power goes out. It suddenly cuts to stoner Eli in the backyard with his shitting shovel and gets attacked from behind and eventually beheaded by a handsaw. The killer has very strong muscles to cut the head off within a minute! Hot!

Dead Body' Trailer Surfaces | Movie TV Tech Geeks News

Marcus and Ilsa heard the screaming and look for the source of the noise and finds Eli’s body with Rumor standing over it. They now blame Rumor for the killings as he had the saw earlier, but he is trying to explain to them that he found him in this state. The group doesn’t believe him, and Dwayne scares him into the woods with the poor shooting of the gun. Be a better straight person and learn how to aim, or don’t shoot at all! Marcus feels sorry for Rumor and goes after him to save his best friend, leaving them all separated, yet again. Ilsa gets chased around by the killer, as he finds a hatchet. She runs to hide and eventually gets away but passes by Rumor who becomes the next victim and brutally attacked to death with a hammer to the head, then gouged in the skull with a fisherman’s hook, and dragged away into darkness, still alive. Poor dweeb!

Ilsa and Marcus reunite and try to plan their escape. Shortly after, Dwayne joins them and Ilsa runs to Sarah to set her free knowing that she couldn’t be the killer. They get to the room and notice that she broke away. At this point, the three decide to venture to the car parked in some random ass place that isn’t the driveway by going through the creepy woods! They find Rumor’s dead body strung on a tree, causing further panic.

They finally get to the mom van at the middle of nowhere and notice that it has been broken in. They find Sarah trying to jumpstart the vehicle and tries to tell them who the killer is. But before she could say the name Dwayne Hellraisers her and shoots her numerous times in the head with the nailgun. Once the three get in the car, Ilsa remembers that she hit the killer in the face when she was chased and realized that Dwayne had a gash on his face, causing suspicion to escalate further towards him. She and Marcus confront him, and he tries to rationalize his reasoning, causing the two to eventually stangle him to death with jumper cables. Marcus tells Ilsa that “We won!” and now makes Ilsa more suspicious of him. She gets more paranoid that they may have not killed the killer afterall. Marcus calms her crazy ass down and eventually jumpstart the car before Marcus gets attacked with the shit shovel. Ilsa runs off into the woods, while the two fight. Marcus puts up a grand fight before getting shanked in the side by that cheese knife and then bashed repeatedly by the shovel.

We then pickup to what happened in the beginning scene. Ilsa runs through woods…to shed…blah blah blah (when will this movie end already?!). But in case if you need a recap of my recap, either scroll up to the second paragraph, or allow me to copy and paste my nonsense:

“We open the movie to a girl who runs through the woods screaming in terror. She takes a lean on a tree, crying about god knows what…probably cramps. Eventually, she finds an abandoned shed where she hides on the side. She covers her mouth since her stupid breathing is too loud that it could attract attention. I’m assuming she is a mouth breather. As the killer gets closer to her, she grabs a rock to prepare herself for an attack, but it backfires since she sucks at defending herself and gets knocked to the ground. She pants in fear and looks surprised as she found out whodunnit. “It was you the whole time?!””

It is revealed that Dominic is the killer. Surprise! He wasn’t dead! He then reveals the dumbass motive for the entire night. He was number four on Harvard’s waitlist. Mariko, Kenji, and Ilsa were ahead of him on the list. His intention was to just have those three over for the weekend but had increase his kill count due to the other unexpected guests. He even had his dad, who is conveniently revealed to be a cop at this point, take a convict out and allow Dominic to tie him up as a hostage at the tree to let him loose when this is all over to frame him for the murders. Stupid. I will not go into too much more detail, the movie does it for me. Dominic LITERALLY recites a god forsaken dissertation in detail about what he did and where he was every time! It took five minutes for him to recite this shit! Seriously, Dominic…There is no need to write a paper about this. You didn’t get into Harvard. There is no need to write a book about this.

After twenty-six chapters of Dominic’s boring presentation of his kills without any powerpoint presentations, Ilsa blinds him with moss and runs away, getting back to the van where she finds Marcus collapsed. She then goes for the nail gun sitting next to Pinhead’s daughter, empty. So, to be resourceful, she tries to take a nail out of Sarah’s head. She awakens from the pain…not dead, while Ilsa goes Jigsaw on her to grab some ammunition. She of course misses most of them and gets him in the neck but, gets her to the ground before going in for the final kill. Sarah silently pulls more nails out of her head to load the gun and shoots him straight in the forehead as he collapses straight over her face and drips blood over her, like a hot, red shower. She soon after gets startled by Marcus who is also still alive with his face looking bashed in, and the three get into the van to make their escape.

Cuts to the morning with sad music. Sara and Marcus are collapsed in the backseat looking horrible while poor little Ilsa has basic flesh wounds in comparison to them. She better not complain! As she drives away, she takes a slip of paper out of her pocket, showing that she drew the “Killer” slip in the game. So, I guess her, and Dominic are even. Ilsa takes Harvard away from him…Dominic takes her role as killer in the game away from her.

The end. Thank god!

Overall, I am not a fan of this movie. Dominic’s motive is so dumb in my opinion. Who kills people because they didn’t get into Harvard? Why didn’t he apply to safety schools? What kind of cop lends a convict to be staged as a killer to help their son get away with murder? Lots of unanswered questions that I don’t even want to try and figure out and not waste my time any further.

Now let’s hand out some awards…the only awards that these actors will get for this movie!

The Haunted Hunk award will go to Dominic. I’m not one to judge appearance to adolescents. However, Dwayne was a major douchebag. Abs don’t really win awards! Take notes peeps. As annoying and whiny as Dominic is throughout the movie, I liked his mystery.

The Killer Slay award-aka best kill-will go to Rumor. His death was pretty brutal! Hammered in the head repeatedly, and then a hook through the eye socket and dragged away to be strung up against a tree while alive is kind of badass. Plus, they show it all…so it was cringeworthy even for me.

The Basic Beheading award-aka worst kill-will go to Dominic. For as gruesome as the deaths were, and with Sarah becoming a pinhead with many nails in the head, I felt like they could’ve ended the final kill to be more than just one nail through the forehead.

Rating 4/10 ****

I would give this movie a smaller rating. However, the acting was decent. It wasn’t like they had Kristen Stewart from Twilight in there. These people were mostly convincing. The death scenes were actually done well too. I just am so turned off by that stupid killer motive! It was also obvious who the killer was within the first half of the movie. Normally, I like to figure out killers as soon as possible. But I felt like they could’ve done with less context clues.

And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be resuming our gaming spirit, by playing along with a group of desperately money hungry folks in “Would you Rather”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!

Movie Beatdown-Terror Train

Its time for your weekly/biweekly Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Terror Train”. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Terror Train is a 1980 Canadian slasher film directed by Roger Spottiswoode in his directorial debut and starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Ben Johnson, and Hart Bochner. Set aboard a moving train on New Year’s Eve, the film follows a group of pre-medical school students holding a costume party who are targeted by some killers who steal their costumes after murdering some students to avoid being caught. It features supporting performances from Sandee Currie, Anthony Sherwood, and David Copperfield. Their initial intention was to create “Halloween on a train.”

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

of a Vintage Movie Projector. Projection Rays by KinoMaster | VideoHive

At a college fraternity’s New Year’s Eve party, a reluctant Alana Maxwell, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, known for “Prom Night” and the cult favorite “Halloween,” movies is coerced into participating in a prank: she lures the shy and awkward and do I mention, slightly dweeby pledge Kenny Hampson into a darkened room on the promise of a sexual liaison.

Jack Salazar, the Jaded Skeptic is a...: The Horror Of...Terror Train

At a college fraternity’s New Year’s Eve party, a reluctant Alana Maxwell, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, known for “Prom Night” and the cult favorite “Halloween,” movies is coerced into participating in a prank: she lures the shy and awkward and do I mention, slightly dweeby pledge Kenny Hampson into a darkened room on the promise of a sexual liaison. She makes him strip down to his underwear. I do question if he got the panties from Victoria’s Secret. Seriously…I swear I sold a pair of those when I worked in retail in ladies’ intimates! Oh well…work it out, sis! However, some other students have placed a woman’s corpse (stolen from the university medical school during the Christmas vacation) in the bed instead without Alana’s awareness. Kenny is traumatized and begins twirling on top of the bed, dancing and getting tangled in the chiffon gossamer atop of the bed. It is definitely a fantasy that I would love to do if I weren’t disrespectful with fabric. It’s the seamstress in me that wouldn’t disrespect a textile like that…but to each is own. Kenny became so damaged by the prank that he was sent over to a psychiatric hospital.

TERROR TRAIN (page one)

Three years later, the members of the same fraternities and sororities hold a New Year’s Eve costume party aboard a train. Sounds like a bunch of fun! Why can’t trains be more of a thing? Stupid advancements in technology! Class clown Ed is disguised as Groucho Marx, who I have no freakin’ idea who the hell that is if I could be honest with you all; Prank ringleader Doc Manley is disguised as a monk; Jackson is disguised as an alien lizard; Doc’s girlfriend, Alana’s best friend Mitchy, is disguised as a witch; and Alana’s boyfriend Mo is disguised as a bird. Also along are Carne, the train conductor, and a magician hired to entertain the crowd. The magician is played by none other than magic legend David Copperfield. Who knew he was a horror goon?!

Movie Reviews by The Countess of the Crypt - The Horror Report

Ed is murdered with a sword through his gut prior to boarding and is left to die and eventually get ran over by the train as it starts to leave. Everybody thought that it was a prank since he spent majority of the boarding time making sexual jokes with his date, which happened to be a blow-up doll. I had a boyfriend just like that. I wonder what happened to him? It’s deflating to even think about whatever happened to him (get it?).

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Seriously, his jokes are worse than mine. The killer dresses himself in Ed’s Groucho Marx mask, allowing him to board the train unnoticed. As the train journeys into the wilderness, the killer wanders amongst the students, who believe him to be Ed. Alana and Mitchy have their cheesy heart to heart with reminiscing in their last hoorah before becoming grownups, promising that they will keep in touch…yeah right! We cut to the party in the main compartment of the train where this young woman, whose name is not important. But her costume is an oversized pair of pants hiked up past her chest. WTF? Then we resume to one of my favorite parts of old school horror…music montages. There is a disco ball and a party, where in the corner is the magician and his glamourous assistant observe the patrons. There is a slight red-herring moment with the magician remaining mysterious even after the assistant encourages him to socialize with the crowd.

Movie Reviews by The Countess of the Crypt - The Horror Report

Then we go into the senior’s cart where the boys all praise each other for their prank they did on Kenny. Alana joins them and overhears the conversation, trying to knock some sense into them and cause some regret for sending somebody to the psychiatric ward. Mitchy shortly after stumbles around intoxicated, and runs into who she thinks is Ed.

Happy 35th Anniversary to 'Terror Train!' - Bloody Disgusting

The killer follows her towards the bathroom and tries to shove her in to kill her but was interrupted by Jackson. He silently lures Jackson into the sleeper bathroom and murders him by smashing his head into a mirror. Now, that is not what I had in mind when I want to be alone with another man in a bathroom! We go back to the senior’s cart and Alana is smoking a joint with Mo, where she finds out that the prank was his idea, spoiled by Doc. I sensed a lot of sexual tension between Doc and Mo…but that is for you to determine when and if you see it. But I will say that they SCREAM “Brokeback Mountain”! She sees the magician doing small tricks with the crowd of students, warming them up. Alana seemed to be the only one that was really into the tricks. Again, some flirtatious tension between the two. Back off Jamie Lee Curtis! He’s mine!

Tubi Tuesday: Terror Train (1980) - Morbidly Beautiful

The magic show starts with the magician doing impressive card tricks on stage, and then some levitation tricks with his glamourous assistant. She looks a bit like Vanna White in her early years…pretty, but not polished. Back in the senior’s cart, Mo is drinking alone feeling defeated by Alana’s disappointment in him for his prank. Doc stops by and encourages him that she will get over it. Mo doesn’t think so. Much to my gay hypothesis stated earlier, Doc responds with, “Well you always have me.” HOMO ALERT! *que the fire sirens*

Kinemalogue: Census Bloodbath: Murder on the Boreal Express

Cut back to the magic show, where the levitation trick finishes with a disappearing act. The crowd goes wild before an intermission happens! Alana asks Carne about Ed, not noticing that he has been around and starting to express concern, as what a scream queen would do. Mitchy notices Doc and Mo convincing other girls to join them in a private room by using a stupid medical pickup line. “I worked in the emergency gynecologic ward last summer. Doc won an award for best pap smear in the ward.” Who wrote this shit?!

They try to go hookup in the bathroom and was still occupied by the dead Jackson. Carne approaches them and helps with the door once the four leave and finds Jackson’s bloodied body in the bathroom, still donning the lizard costume. Now this is why you don’t go to the bathroom alone! You could die and leave a bloody mess!

Jackson (Terror Train) | The Dead Meat Wiki | Fandom

He leaves to go find assistance. When Carne returns to the scene with the brake master Charlie, the killer has hidden Jackson’s body and is now posing in the lizard costume; as he appears conscious with the bloody mess cleaned up to perfection, Charlie assures Carne that the partygoer was merely drunk.

Mitchy goes with the killer, whom she believes to be Jackson, to a compartment where she attempts to seduce him. As she closes her eyes, he caresses her with Jackson’s severed hand as it runs up her leg, before murdering her. “You know what they say…cold hands, warm heart.” Side note-I have noticed that there are a TON of unfaithful kids on this damn train! Stupid kids!

Terror Train | Worsemovies

Alana and the magician have another sexually tense moment where he impresses her with more tricks. Doc halts their moment and convinces her to find Mo who he claims is sorry for everything, trying to have her walk in on him having a hookup session with one of the other girls. Yes, the stupid girl with the pant costume. Surprisingly, it was easy to take off since it is fascinated with a belt. As Miranda Priestley once said, “Groundbreaking.”

Carne finds Mitchy’s corpse in the compartment with her throat slashed. Alana stumbles upon the scene, and Carne informs her that Mitchy is dead. Alana doesn’t believe him at first, but then is shown her corpse. So much for remaining friends after college! During a magic show held by the magician and his female assistant, Doc finds Mo stabbed to death as he sat collapsed on the outskirts of the crowd, though the partying onlookers assume the scene to be a prank. Doc carries Mo to the back of the train to try and revive him, like any gay lover would do for their best friend. Carne and Charlie stop the train abruptly, causing all the students to overact as they fell to the floor from the force…Another way to drop a beat! They sequester the students in one car; while doing so, two pullman porters find the corpse of Pet, another student.

Suspecting Kenny may be involved, Alana recalls the prank to Doc, and recounts her attempt to visit Kenny at the psychiatric hospital, where she learned that Kenny may have been involved in a murder before the prank. She pieces together all of the people that were murdered were all involved with the prank. Doc, like the moron he is, initially doesn’t believe her. She convinces him that they are in danger and run back into a compartment to hide themselves. Doc shows Alana the yearbook, where Kenny’s page was full of him doing magic tricks. Convinced that Kenny is the magician, she wants to warn the others. Doc warned her that if she does, she is kicked out of the room. Doc subsequently seals himself inside a room in the sleeper car where the killer was hiding the whole time and is murdered.

Horror Movie Hunk: Hart Bochner | Movie Matters

Shortly after, Alana and Carne find his decapitated body…he deserved it if you ask me. Believing the magician may be Kenny in disguise, Alana notifies Carne, who goes to lock him inside the parlor car; there he finds the magician’s female assistant, but Carne and the porters are unable to find the magician. He convinces her to come with them for safety measures.

Alana is sequestered in a locked compartment for her safety, which the masked killer infiltrates, killing the chief porter with one of the magician’s prop swords before arming himself with an axe. He breaks into the compartment and stabs the pile of blankets assuming that she was sleeping. It was the blow-up doll, concealed as a distraction. Now, who invited her back to the party?! She runs screaming her well known scream that has made her lots of money. Alana is pursued through the train. One of my favorite parts of a slasher…the chase scene! Not too much chasing since they are on a train.

Celebrate the New Year With 'Terror Train'! - Bloody Disgusting

She ends up in the captain’s corridor, locked in with nowhere to go. She gets thrown around the wall and even gets one of her earrings ripped cleanly off her, which is a shame since she was planning on wearing her grandmother’s gold hoop earrings the next day. Sad.

Movie Review: Terror Train (1980) | by Patrick J Mullen | As Vast as Space  and as Timeless as Infinity | Medium

She blinds him with a fire extinguisher and locks herself inside the caged office. She was safe for a moment while she thought of a plan. The killer takes a pipe-like crowbar and crushes all the lightbulbs and then starts prodding in the cage to scare her. As he breaks the lock, Alana finds the old wooden block with a nail to keep your receipts and stabs him in the cheek and runs away.

John Ary Boards TERROR TRAIN!!

While in-between cars, she manages to push the killer overboard, unaware that he has managed to hold on below. The crew finds her in shambles and distraught from being attacked…wimp. They let her rest in a stall. After being informed that they were close to their destination, she moseys on back to magicians’ cart, to reminisce on the back of the train. She then gets all nosey and looks around in his stuff. She finds the magician’s dead body contorted in his sword box. Alana runs through the train car and finds Charlie in the baggage car seated with his head resting in his hands. She tells him the magician is dead, and lays her head on the table, when he grabs her by her wrists.

Listicle of Death] Five of the Biggest Genderf$!k Reveals in Horror -  Bloody Disgusting

Alana realizes it is Kenny, who is indeed the killer, dressed in Charlie’s uniform. Kenny removes the uniform cap to reveal a blonde wig, and Alana realizes he has been posing in drag as the magician’s female assistant. She was very convincing, but this was before the days of contouring and shimmering highlighter. Comparatively, she looked pretty busted! Perhaps she would be ready to compete in NEXT year’s season of RuPaul’s Drag Race!

Kenny Hampson | Villains Wiki | Fandom

Alana apologizes to Kenny about the prank, but he refuses to accept her apology and forces her to kiss him; the kiss causes Kenny to relive his memories from the prank and drives him deeper into insanity, making him flash back to his moments of disrespecting chiffon fabric and twirling uncontrollably in fury. Carne rushes to the scene and beats down Kenny with a shovel, causing him to fall out the open door of the baggage car to his death. His body lands in a nearly frozen river and floats away as the train roars off. The movie ends with the train screeching its horn before resuming to credits and an uncorrelated song.

Terror Train - Unintentionally funny ending scene - YouTube

I absolutely love this movie! It is one of my all-time favorites. I don’t have too many negatives to say about this movie. This is a unique slasher with some predictability, but not too much to keep you in some sort of suspense.

Let’s hand out some awards!

The Haunted Hunk award goes to the magician himself, David Copperfield. He was quite the looker back then, and I don’t mind a little tricks for kicks! Since Doc and Mo are too busy having their own tension…I will be his assistant!

The Killer Slay award-aka best kill- goes to Doc. In the words of the cell block tango in Chicago…He had it coming! I couldn’t wait for his pretentious ass to die. And the fact that he went all crazy before he was killed was an added bonus.

The Basic Beheading award-aka worse kill- will go to Mo. They just showed him collapsed on the floor as if he was drunk and passed out. When they finally aided to his help, they opened up his man blouse and saw that he was cut up. I wanted to see more than what they showed.

Rating- 9.8 out of 10 *********

I think this movie is so underappreciated. It is something that everybody should buy, rent, stream, whatever! I think the only thing I wish would change is just the ending. Kenny got knocked off the train and died from impact and then it just cut to the train horn and then credits. Other than that, I wish there was more chiffon disrespect and more twirling.

And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be celebrating graduation with a bunch of dumbass kids that plays an innocent game that goes wrong with 2017’s “Dead Body”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Also, my debut novel “Cardinal Rules” is now available for preorder. Links for all available platforms are located in the Books section of the website.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!

Movie Beatdown-Happy Death Day

This is a new section of the blog that will be Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is “Happy Death Day”. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

Happy Death Day is a 2017 American black comedy slasher film directed by Christopher Landon, and written by Scott Lobdell. It stars Jessica Rothe and Israel Broussard. The film was produced by Jason Blum through his Blumhouse Productions banner, in association with Digital Riot Media and Vesuvius Productions. It follows a college student who is murdered on her birthday and begins reliving the day repeatedly, at which point she sets out to find the killer and stop her death.

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

After a night of drunken partying, university student Theresa “Tree” Gelbman wakes up on her birthday in the dorm room of classmate Carter Davis. What kind of a nickname is Tree? I think that it is the weirdest nickname for anybody to allow themselves to be called (no offense to anybody who uses that name. I’m sure you are lovely people!). Tree is played by Jessica Rothe. She ignores a phone call from her father and dismisses Carter, whose dorm room she wakes up in before returning to her house.

Happy Death Day': Review | Reviews | Screen

She gets halted by his roommate on the way out of Carter’s dorm, and then a global warming tree hugger who is trying to get signatures on her petition, a group of douchey fraternity boys and a couple getting interrupted by a sprinkler system. She runs into a muscle jock named Tim, who questioned why he never called her after their date. Another giggle moment, because she calls him out for taking her to Subway and uses the lack of a footlong reference to her bad time. Now, not to be weird, but to be weird…I would LOVE to go to Subway for a date. BMT please! Extra MEAT! She makes it back to the house, stopped by the house lead, Danielle, which by the way, is hilarious with her witty sass and over the top sorority stereotype portrayal. Her sorority housemate Lori Spengler, who she treats like doodoo gives her a cupcake, which she throws away. She meets up with the sisters later to discuss their weekly notes. Danielle steals the scene again with harassing one of the average sized sisters eating a full meal. “What is breakfast?!” is one of the funniest lines in the movie!

danielle bouseman | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs | Tumgir

I’m sure her normal diet consisted of cotton balls and water. Tree meets with her married professor, Gregory Butler, with whom she is having an affair…lucky! He is such a drool! Their affair was quickly interrupted by his wife who appears to have a hunch about their canoodling. That night, on her way to a party, Tree is lured into a tunnel and murdered by a figure wearing a mask of the school mascot of a baby face. Now, what kind of money robbing educational establishment uses a baby as a mascot?! WTF?! At least be a toddler! They have the excuse of terrible twos!

Happy Death Day Shot An Original Ending That Made Test Audiences Furious -  CINEMABLEND

Tree immediately wakes up back in Carter’s bed and is unnerved to find the previous day’s events repeating themselves. She goes through the day feeling deja vu from every encounter that happened in the previous day. Baffled, and worried about any sort of repetition to occur, she avoids the tunnel and reaching the party later that evening. What kind of sisters let somebody walk to a party alone? Bitches! Not friends to me! She makes it to the party and gets startled by a man in the baby mask and punches him in terror, soon to find out that it was a surprise party for her birthday. Feeling awkward, Danielle breaks the silence and starts the party. “Don’t mess with a Kappa bitch!”…I freakin’ love this girl! I want to party with her!

CrescentSkull Cinema on Twitter: ""Poisoning a cupcake? Really? We're  Kappas. We don't eat cupcakes.” ~ Danielle Bouseman, "Happy Death Day"  (2017)… "

Later at the party, Tree is lured into the bedroom of a creep to make the evening more fun. This room is stereotypical douchebag dorm room that he refers to ‘the pleasure dome’. Horrible! Black and lava lights with disco balls and heavy bass music. How do you even sleep in this room? Oh, that’s right…roofies! Since he got them! The masked killer follows her and kills the guy while her back is turned and eventually attacks Tree. She struggles before being interrupted by a drunken frat brother. Of course, the brother ignores Tree’s cry for help and cheers on what appeared to be a hookup…totally typical frat move to encourage rape! Gross! The killer murders her again with a broken bong. Tree again wakes up in Carter’s bed, realizes she is in a time loop, being weirded out by the same repetition of the past two days’ events. She is frazzled getting home and tries to tell her roommate about reliving the same events. Lori, naturally doesn’t believe her. She probably wants to have what Tree is having…I know I do! Tree decides to skip out on the party barricades herself in her room to avoid death. She has a sad moment looking at an old picture of her deceased mother, before sitting back and avoiding her upcoming death. She finds a birthday card with the baby face inside (again, who is making all of this baby face memorabilia?!). She has a feeling that she is not alone. Eventually, the killer was revealed to be hiding inside the entire time, murders her a third time by stabbing her as she tried to escape through her barricade.

Happy Death Day Kills the Competition | MovieBabble

Back in Carter’s bed, Tree awakens yet again screaming. I’m sure Carter was glad that she didn’t hookup with her crazy ass! She panics as she runs back home frantically, once again reliving the same events from the past days, and eventually gets calmed down by Carter. She tells him her experiences and he is dumbstruck. “Would you please stop looking at me like I took a dump on your mom’s head!” is how she responds. LOL! That line is what I tell people all the time when they look at me weird…believe it or not! Tree convinces him of her predicament by demonstrating her knowledge of the day’s events. Tree admits to harboring tremendous self-loathing, particularly from pushing away her father after the death of her mother three years ago. She breaks down the possible suspects of Danielle, Tim, and multiple people that she has disrespected over the years…including a girl at TJMaxx that she got fired and an Uber driver she spit on…LOL! Carter also admits to Tree that they never hooked up causing a warm and fuzzy! Awww. They create the plan to continue to die as she narrows down the suspects to follow them with each cycle. She discovered that Tim is gay as she witnesses him enjoying some gay porn. Now, I really AM craving Subway! She dies as she feels happy for him. She follows Stephanie, knowing that she was innocent, and not present before being drowned by the killer. The next day, she finds a birthday card in Danielle’s bag as they walk and fights her before they both get ran over by a bus. At this point she says, “screw it!” and does whatever she wants and walks naked through campus…I would too! After another death with a baseball bat to the head, she awakens not feeling like anything is getting accomplished and starts to feel the physical effects of her deaths and passes out.

Gregory Butler (second dimension) | Happy Death Day Wiki | Fandom

She awakens in a hospital to find out from Dr. Gregory Butler that she has inflicted injuries that should’ve killed her. Tree realizes out that the days may reset with every death, but the physical trauma has not. Tree finds a way to escape by convincing doctor hot stuff to get her a soda. Personally, I would’ve asked for more than that! She rummages through his office to find keys to escape and stumbles upon the baby mask in his desk. Role playing, maybe? Eventually, the babyface killer (I can’t believe I am calling him that!) kills Greg, eliminating him as a suspect, and chases Tree to the parking garage as she tries to find his car to escape. She eventually drives away from the killer, feeling accomplished that she survived her timely death. She soon gets pulled over by police, telling them that she is drunk and, on every drug imaginable in order for her to taken into custody and safely taken away from babyface. She gets escorted into the vehicle and before the officer goes inside, the killer runs him over and causes a gas leak and throws a birthday candle onto the gas to cause the car to explode.

IMCDb.org: 2003 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor [P71] in "Happy  Death Day, 2017"

She wakes up the next day still not caring about anything, takes Carter out for dinner…even farts loudly in public. She just knows a way to my heart! While conversing, Tree sees a local news report on John Tombs, a serial killer being held at the campus hospital. Concluding that Tombs is her killer, Tree rushes to the hospital to warn of his escape and forcing Carter to pay for the tab. Typical. Tombs breaks free and nearly kills Tree, but Carter follows and rescues her like a chivalrous dummy. Tombs kills Carter before chasing Tree to a nearby bell tower, where she subdues him with a crowbar. Realizing that Carter will remain dead if she ends the loop, Tree hangs herself. Can I just state for the record that Tombs looks EXACTLY like somebody I dated…I miss him. I wonder what he is up to nowadays.

John Tombs (first dimension) | Happy Death Day Wiki | Fandom

She awakens in Carter’s dorm room and finds him alive again. Now confident in solving her murder, Tree proceeds happily through the day as a changed woman. She signs the damn petition, warns the people of the sprinkler, and even saved a tired frat boy from passing out…what a saint! She runs into Tim and encourages him that is okay to be gay (YAY!). Tree apologizes to Lori for being a horrible roommate and stands up to Danielle for being awful to her housemates, and pours chocolate milk on her head, serving slime time realness! She ends her affair with Dr. Butler to allow him to move onto bigger and better things…me! Not really, his wife, silly! She then meets her father for lunch, where the two begin to reconcile. She expresses regret for distancing herself from her father after her mother died, causing a warm and fuzzy moment. That night, she goes to the hospital all decked out in her Lara Croft fantasy, looking badass. She eventually traps and kills Tombs after being chased around the hospital. Relieved to finally be free, she celebrates her birthday in Carter’s room and eats the cupcake Lori gave her, which has WAY too much frosting on it if you ask me!

Horror-comedy 'Happy Death Day' reasonably kills it with 'Groundhog Day'  formula | Movie review | Entertainment | news-herald.com

Tree wakes up still in the loop. Horrified, she gives up on her pursuit to solve her murders and returns to her room with the intent to run away, where Lori offers her the cupcake again. Tree realizes the previous loop was the only time she had ever eaten the cupcake, and she had died in her sleep. Personally, I think it was the excessive amount of frosting. But I believe that it was poisoned. Tree realizes Lori is her true killer. Lori had poisoned the cupcake, but when Tree failed to eat it, Lori used her job as a nurse at the hospital to frame Tombs for Tree’s murder. Nurses…truly doing God’s work. Tree threatens to take the cupcake to the police, but Lori attacks her knowing that she had been caught. Lori admits to also having an affair with Dr. Butler, whose preference for Tree drove Lori mad with jealousy. Typical girl drama. In the ensuing fight, Tree stuffs the poisoned cupcake in Lori’s mouth, then kicks her out a second-story window to her death. “Eat it, Bitch!”

By the way…that is the same line I say to uninformed people when I have to shut them up with facts!

Movie Review: 'Happy Death Day'

At a restaurant, Tree and Carter muse over the day’s events and he offers her his room for the night. The next day, Tree wakes up believing she is still in the time loop, but Carter quickly reveals he was just playing a prank on her, and it is really the next day. Tree is too relieved to be angry at him, and the two kiss. I would’ve slapped the crap out of Carter for him knowing that this whole experience is suck fest for her.

The reason why I like this movie is the constant witty characters that take the sorority persona to an over-the-top visualization. Danielle is my favorite character for that reason. It also was a fun rendition of a whodunnit. It’s fun to try and piece together the details to try and figure out who the killer is before it is revealed. And why not twist a little “Groundhog Day” twist into the plot!

The Ending Of Happy Death Day Finally Explained - YouTube

Let’s hand out some awards!

The Haunted Hunk award goes to Dr. Gregory Butler…duh! He is the doctor I would love to have take care of me! He is also mysterious and there was a slight hunch you would get that he could’ve been the babyface killer.

The Killer Slay Award-aka best kill- will go to Tree when she was killed the second time in the pleasure dome. It was more than just a basic stab with a simple weapon. Comparing her other deaths to this one, this one was a little more drawn out. I’m also going to throw in the frat boy moron that was killed behind her back, because let’s face it…he deserved it.

The Basic Beheading Award-aka worse kill- will go to Tree when she got hit over the head with a baseball bat. It was quick and uneventful.

Rating- 8.5 stars out of 10 ********

I can’t use a half asterisk for this…

I love the twist with the Groundhog Day references, and the characters were all committed to their roles. If I had to be a little critical, Lori’s motive could’ve been a little more of something. Jealousy with her dream affair is not enough to just go batshit crazy and kill your roommate. Why can’t people just settle their drama like adults? (HAHA!)

Other than that, it is a very entertaining movie, with comedic edge which I love and appreciate in my horror movies. I just felt like it could’ve used something a little more. I don’t know what exactly…

If you have seen or heard of this movie…comment below about what you like or dislike!

And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be taking a ride towards our next destination with “Terror Train”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!

Movie Beatdown-The House on Sorority Row

This is a new series of the blog that will be Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!

This breakdown is going to be one of my favorite horror films of all time, “The House on Sorority Row.” Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!

The House on Sorority Row (also known as House of Evil in the United Kingdom) is a 1982 American slasher film written and directed by Mark Rosman, produced by John G. Clark, and starring Eileen Davidson and Kathryn McNeil. It was released in 1982. It didn’t make too much in the box office but has later developed a cult following and has been labeled as one of the greatest slasher films of all time. This movie is a staple in my collection. I watch this movie a lot, especially when I am feeling under the weather.

Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!

of a Vintage Movie Projector. Projection Rays by KinoMaster | VideoHive

We start the movie with everybody’s favorite horror cliché… “A dark and stormy night.”

The filter of the flashback is heavily blue, since they didn’t want to pay the extra money to hire younger versions of the characters. They had to make the old lady appear young with the excessive blurry blue filter. Trust me, you are not fooling anybody! After one stressful minute of labor pains (which is normal for delivery, right?), she was asking the doctor if she could see her baby. The doctor apologized for a terrible problem. It cuts to her doing another lovely movie cliché…the helpless cry in terror of “NO!!!!!”

Then we cut to the introduction music on a summer afternoon sounding like lovely flute music with a touch of Panic at the Disco. Trust me…if you watch this movie, you will know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

The House on Sorority Row | Forgotten Films

Seven sorority sisters – Katey, Vicki, Liz, Jeanie, Diane, Morgan, and Stevie – celebrate their graduation ceremony at their sorority house, located at the far end of a sorority row. Katherine, the main character played by Kathryn McNeil starts to pack her belongings with her mother, struggling to figure out what she wants to do with her life. No time like the present to figure that out after pulling your hair out with four years of college! She was convinced to stay by the villain-esque character, Vicki who is played by Eileen Davidson, who later went on to play in your favorite cheesy daytime soap operas. The girls needed help to set up their graduation party at the sorority house.

Their celebration is interrupted by their domineering house mother, Mrs. Slater, who denies the girls’ plan to throw a graduation party. The girls, led by Vicki—scorned because Slater slashed her waterbed(which, by the way…who brings a waterbed to a sorority house?!) when Vicki covertly brought a boyfriend into the sorority house—devise a prank: They steal her walking cane and place it in the house’s unused outdoor pool and force her at gunpoint to retrieve it.

The House on Sorority Row (1982) - Photo Gallery - IMDb

The prank goes according to plan at first with blanks being fired to trick her do go into their disgusting pool that Mrs. Slater never had cleaned in years…I’d rather swim in a septic system than the water that was in that pool. It eventually went awry when Vicki inadvertently shoots Slater since there was one bullet with the blanks, who appears to be dead. The girls agree to hide the body in the pool until their party ends, though Katey and Jeanie are reluctant. This part was a ‘wtf?’ moment because they just wrap her in towels and blankets, which with science…makes anything sink in water!

At the party, we are starting off with a band playing groovy music, which is one of my favorite things with a classic horror movie…dancing montage! Then we cut to an unidentified figure stabs a random man walking in the woods with Slater’s cane through his neck killing him instantly. Meanwhile, after finding guests attempting to enter the pool where drunken guys try to throw girls in…classy! Once they break up the shenanigans, the girls realize that if the pool lights turn on, Slater’s body will be revealed. Vicki asks Stevie goes into the basement to disable the breaker, where she is brutally stabbed to death by the killer, only showing the shadow silhouettes of the murder. Very convincing! Later, the pool lights come on much to the girls’ alarm after three boys try to jump in the *cough* clean pool water in their tighty whiteys, but Slater’s body is nowhere to be found. GASP!

House On Sorority Row, The (1983) – BLEEDING SKULL!

Deciding that Slater must be alive, the girls begin searching for her after the party comes to a close. Morgan enters Slater’s room where Slater’s body falls on her from the attic hatch. She blacks out and awakens to getting water in order to awaken her. With the drunken persona that she plays, she wishes for something stronger, like most sorority party girls. Overwhelmed by the attack by the randomly placed body, Morgan runs to her room to be left alone.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983) Reviews and overview - MOVIESandMANIA.com

Vicki suggests hiding the body in the old cemetery, Katey was the only one who objected to the plan and wanted to call the police…like any rational human being would do. The other girls take the body outside without Katey’s assistance and against her wishes. In the attic, Katey discovers children’s toys and a dead caged bird. It looked just like a very qualified place to trust your children for daycare if you ask me! We cut to Morgan, who *surprise* was having her nighttime beverage before subsequently stabbed with Slater’s cane from behind in her bedroom as she became distracted and somewhat amused with the jack in the box that appeared on her balcony. Katey finds the jack in the box later and noticed a life-sized costume of the jester looking eerily accurate to the toy.

Watch House on Sorority Row | Prime Video

Diane goes to an outlying garage to start the van to transport Slater’s body, but is murdered by the killer who breaks in through the sunroof, being stabbed repeatedly in her hand as it cuts away to her constantly screaming.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983) Reviews and overview - MOVIESandMANIA.com

Shortly after, Jeanie who is played by Robin Meloy, was keeping watch for anybody who would catch them transferring a body, was suddenly attacked by the killer. She runs to safety in the house and finds Katey, tells her that Mrs. Slater’s cane attacked her. Katey runs to find help under the impression that Mrs. Slater is still alive and on a rampage, while the killer breaks in and causes a funny chase scene with Jeanie…because when you are running for dear life, you twirl constantly as you find a place to hide, and repeatedly fall to the floor like a moron! She runs into the bathroom to hide in a stall. Luckily, the person before her flushed so there was no additional worry of being murdered next to poo! Showers begin to get turned on, causing a hot and steamy scene (wait…wrong genre…this isn’t romantic…I don’t know why the killer did this!). The killer breaks into the stall and pins Jeanie to the wall and uses her knife to decapitate her.

The House on Sorority Row (1983) - ALL HORROR

Meanwhile, Katey finds a medical alert tag on a necklace belonging to Slater that fell to the ground when Jeanie was attacked. She calls the number and is put through to a Dr. Beck, who comes to the house. Reluctant, to telling him the truth, she conceals the truth and only went looking for answers. The two later discover the bodies of Stevie, Morgan, and Diane in the pool. It looked like Hannibal Lector’s dream soup!

Grindhouse Weekly: THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983) | Film Pulse

She then reveals the sisters’ secret of Mrs. Slater’s accident. Meanwhile, after finding Diane missing, Vicki and Liz decide to drive to the cemetery without her to bury Slater’s body. When they arrive, both girls are killed by the assailant. Liz’s throat was slashed by the cane from behind as she attempted to pull the van closer to the hole at the graveyard that they dug. Well, at least they know that they didn’t need a college degree to become gravediggers! Vicki was stabbed repeatedly by the assailant after discovering Liz’s body. Dr. Beck accompanies Katey to the cemetery, where they find the bodies of Vicki and Liz, as well as Slater’s body still in the back of the van.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983) Reviews and overview - MOVIESandMANIA.com

The two arrive back at the house, with no police in sight after being promised by Dr. Beck that he contacted them. He forcibly gave Katey a sedative at the house…not a COVID vaccine. Dr. Beck reveals that Slater had a son named Eric who was deformed and mentally underdeveloped thanks to an illegal fertility treatment he had given her, and that he probably witnessed the girls kill Mrs. Slater. Dr. Beck uses Katey as bait so he can capture Eric and cover up his crime. He forces her to sit in order to lure Eric towards her in order for Dr. Beck to tranquilize him. She hallucinates some pretty knarly visions of her sorority sisters dancing…one of the side effects of a COVID vaccine (maybe he did give her one. I mean, she is ESSENTIAL to the storyline!). I want what she has! It looks like some crazy stuff!

The House on Sorority Row (1983) Review |BasementRejects

Once distracted, Katey manages to run away to hide, while completely drugged up. Eric arrives and hacks Dr. Beck to death while Katey searches for Vicki’s gun, which does not fire. She flees to the bathroom and finds Jeanie’s severed head in the toilet. She gave this funny expression as if she didn’t remember eating that! It wasn’t Taco Bell!

Retro Nightmares] Revisiting Bloody Slasher 'The House on Sorority Row' -  Bloody Disgusting

Horrified, she climbs to the attic to prepare to defend herself. She hallucinates again in her state of panic, before being attacked by Eric, now wearing the clown costume.

The House on Sorority Row – Really Awful Movies

She shoots at him repeatedly…missing him at only five feet away. Not only is she not socially distancing…but she is a terrible shot! Just kidding…the gun was still loaded with blanks. She knocks over Eric’s toys, distracting him, then uses a pin attached to a doll to stab Eric numerous times and he falls through the attic door to the floor below. Katey believes he is dead and rests from exhaustion. However, Eric opens his eyes as the film ends, leaving Katey’s fate unknown. Then we cut to end credits where we once again hear the lovely Panic at the Disco flute music. That crap will never leave my head!

The House on Sorority Row (1983) - Ending (Clown Scene) - YouTube

The reason why I love this movie so much is the cliches that although some people may not like…I do! I also love the character archetypes of the reasonable protagonist, the drunk, the rebel, and the followers.

Now, lets get to the handout of awards!

The Haunted Hunk award goes to Peter! I didn’t mention him at all in my review, since he wasn’t really in the movie. This film predominately featured the sorority sisters. Any of the male characters only had minutes of airtime…so Peter by default wins. He was pursuing Katey as she kept becoming distant with her hunches that something wrong was happening throughout the movie. He appears drunk during most of the film as he keeps trying to pursue Katey, and then later distracts Dr. Beck when trying to capture Eric. So, you win this time Peter!

The Killer Slay award-aka best kill-is going to go to Jeanie! She died the most gruesome death, and the scene was set up to be hot and dangerous!(que the Ke$ha song!).

The Basic Beheading award-aka worst kill- is going to Diane! I personally love Diane’s character in the movie. She was witty and smoked a good chunk of the time. Since all you see is her hand being stabbed and then her screaming like a chicken…I have to give it to her. Come on, Diane! Die better!

Rating 9/10 *********

I would give this movie ten stars if the quality of kills was a little more thought out. I do give high remarks due to the commitment of the character acting. There weren’t really too many duds of actors where you are like, “really? You casted them to play the role?!”. The only character they could’ve casted better was Morgan. She was unconvincing as a drunk, and you could barely understand the four lines they gave her when she wasn’t caressing a bottle. I do love the cheesy death scenes in movies, and I am forgiving of the quality of deaths. After all…this is 1982! You can only work with what you got!

If you have seen or heard of this movie…comment below about what you like or dislike!

That is all for the first beatdown! Hopefully you enjoyed my gay AF review. I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be dissecting “Happy Death Day”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.

Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?

Until next time…keep slaying!