Its time for another weekly/biweekly Movie beatdown! We will talk all things with horror movies and television. We will cover everything from slashers to slayers. Beheadings to bitches…I’ll talk about all of it!
This breakdown is “Dead Body”. Keep in mind, that there are many titles under this name. For this post, we are going to tackle the movie made in 2017. Now, the purpose of the beatdown is to dissect these movies, so if you don’t want the movie spoiled…don’t read the content below. This breakdown is like Wikipedia…just with more pee. You have been warned! If you don’t have time to watch the movie and would like a quick synopsis, then keep reading and let me tell you all about this movie from my gay eyes. It’s like a synop-sis!
Now, before I begin, I will not be mentioning who stars in this movie. If I’m not mistaken, there are none of these actors that are even close to well known, so it is pointless to point out their uneventful careers. Sorry to the actors, but you signed up for this movie. You only have yourselves to blame!
Second side note, there are not too many images of this movie. So I am unable to take you too deep into my recap with as many images. I guess nobody else liked this movie?
Without further ado…let’s get to the beatdown!
We open the movie to a girl who runs through the woods screaming in terror. She takes a lean on a tree, crying about god knows what…probably cramps. Eventually, she finds an abandoned shed where she hides on the side. She covers her mouth since her stupid breathing is too loud that it could attract attention. I’m assuming she is a mouth breather. As the killer gets closer to her, she grabs a rock to prepare herself for an attack, but it backfires since she sucks at defending herself and gets knocked to the ground. She pants in fear and looks surprised as she found out whodunnit. “It was you the whole time?!”
Cuts to blackout.
Twelve hours earlier, future Ivy Leaguer Dominic prepares to entertain his former high school friend Ilsa for the weekend. His plan is it for just to be the two of them, and the two Japanese exchange students, Mariko and Kenji who constantly can’t keep their hands off each other as they hook up within the first ten seconds of the movie (Gross…straight people sex). Dominic’s plans go awry when Ilsa arrives with her friend and much older (and slightly attractive) boyfriend, Dwayne and her rebellious chain-smoking friend, Sarah. Duane is 23 years old…not much older, but we have all been eighteen before. Twenty-year olds were ancient in our eyes back then! He was not happy that Ilsa didn’t confide in him before inviting extra guests. He LITERALLY said that he didn’t have enough Brie and crackers for these people. Eventually, Dominic comes around and is confident that the weekend will still go according to plan. Then another guest arrives, Marcus and Rumor who are the more borderline geeky archetypes, frustrating Dominic even more. And to top it off we had Eli being the final guest of the weekend party who is the stoner of the group, bringing a shovel with him. He stated that, “I was told that we are staying in a cabin. I thought we would have to dig a hole for us to shit in.” WTF?! I don’t know what kind of cabin he was going to, but most of them have some sort of plumbing…maybe even an outhouse!
We then cut tot the group playing in the river all dressed in their swimsuits. The guys are doing their normal teenage guy thing…avoiding the girls and tackling each other. Butch guy things. Sara and Ilsa lay out on their own as they talk about nonsense.
Rumor confides in Marcus with apprehension that this weekend will not be fun for him since he is socially awkward and doesn’t fit in. Then we have Eli and Dwayne stand there looking muscley while Dwane is nervous that somebody is going to make Ilsa swoon. You know, normal twenty-three-year-old straight guy insecurities. Eli just brushes it off as she smokes a joint. The only thing I got from that conversation is abs (I’m sorry. If the conversation is lame, which most of the dialogue is in this movie, then you know I’m going to try my best to find a redeeming quality! Sorry not sorry.).
It cuts to nighttime and the kids are partying. Eli appears to be jacked up on crazy shit on the couch. The two girls make out while the foreign exchange students practically do it in front of everybody else. Rumor is sitting in the kitchen by himself as he writes copious notes in his journal. These kids appear to be having the time of their lives! How cute. Eli has a stupid hallucination of a goose and suddenly doesn’t feel safe. Again, I will underscore that the dialogue in this movie is not the best, not by a longshot! Ilsa notices Marcus alone outside on the deck, and he expresses his feelings for her and apologizes for intruding on Dwayne. She confesses that she brought Dwayne here only for the purpose of using him as a shield from Dominic and his potential tendencies, after they only knew each other from one hookup. Once the group reconvenes, Dwayne was curious about how they knew each other and finds out that they all go to the same high school together. He then assumes that they will be going to college together since he knows that most of them are planning on going to Harvard. Dominic tells him that he is number four on the waiting list and that his parents are pissed. Dwayne doesn’t care, and neither do I! Dwayne mentions that all of his friends from high school are “dead” or, as he vaguely acknowledges “dead to him”, Causing some suspicion.
When they become bored of the dead people talk, ‘nerdy’ Rumor (played by a poor man’s Tom Lenk) suggests playing Dead Bodies. The game is played like this: one of the group is chosen to be the killer when slips of paper are picked. Everyone must then hide. The killer must then go around and pinch people, “killing them”. Then if someone finds a dead body, they must shout “DEAD BODY” and everyone then convenes to discuss who they think the killer is. The first round happens when the lights go out and people start to scatter around the dark cabin. Sarah tries to find a spot behind a curtain…rookie move! She then tries to find another spot and stumbles upon the male foreign exchange student with ketchup on his neck as he lays on the floor, startling her and screams loudly causing everybody to come back. She wasn’t enthused about the game, but who cares. The kid has ketchup, and I suddenly have a craving for French fries! The group tries to start the round over again, and Sarah is over it, but is guided into the basement by Mariko. The two meanders around the dark room and find their individual spots to hide in. Mariko plays with her phone and gives up her location with the super bright background. Does she know that she should only focus on one thing at a time? She then gets attacked from behind by a tarp over her head and being repeatedly stabbed by a cheese knife, looking like a prison shanking moment. Sarah is over the game now as the group gets back together. She becomes concerned that Mariko hasn’t come back, and nobody believes her. Sarah storms out in frustration as the rest of the group assumes that she is hooking up with Kenji.
The group resumes the game without Sarah, Ilsa runs upstairs and tries to sneak into a locked bedroom. After breaking in, she crawls to a hiding spot, assuming that it’s the exchange student’s hooking up. She eventually finds Dominic, Mariko, and Kenji in the bed as they are all covered in blood. Ilsa becomes startled, and now the group minus Sarah gets nervous as they see corpses. They try to call 911 but their service is bad, yet they text each other throughout the movie (hmmm…). It clearly isn’t Verizon Wireless (Not trying to advertise!). They have no choice but to wait until they can drive to the police. But Rumor comes to the conclusion that since there are no signs of forced entry, the killer has to be one of them. *Que dramatic music*
They split up, as a stupid move and look around for the killer. Eventually, Rumor and Marcus find Mariko’s blood in the basement and soon realize that the victims died with each round of the game with their Hardy Boys logic. The kids then proceed to blame each other for various reasons, playing up to their stereotypes. Dwayne tries to be tough. Typical. Rumor cowers to the corner. Typical. Its then revealed that Rumor had an overly obsessive journal with following Mariko, making him the potential suspect.
Cut to Sarah outside walking through the woods with her constant pack of cigarettes, she stumbles upon a man tied to a tree and gagged. She runs away, scared and heads into the house. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that she’s the killer since she was with Mariko when she died and was gone when the other two were killed.
They handcuff her to the bed where the corpses lay, like the real friends that they are. I want friends like that! Tie me up! No really, what was more concerning was why these teenagers have red fuzzy handcuffs so early in their life?
These teenagers have the worse case of paranoia and constant blaming I have ever seen! They keep accusing each other even after putting Sarah in hell and cuffing her with corpses…in red handcuffs. After coming to their senses, the group decides to move Sarah to a less grim setting and away from bodies. Before they do that, the power goes out. It suddenly cuts to stoner Eli in the backyard with his shitting shovel and gets attacked from behind and eventually beheaded by a handsaw. The killer has very strong muscles to cut the head off within a minute! Hot!
Marcus and Ilsa heard the screaming and look for the source of the noise and finds Eli’s body with Rumor standing over it. They now blame Rumor for the killings as he had the saw earlier, but he is trying to explain to them that he found him in this state. The group doesn’t believe him, and Dwayne scares him into the woods with the poor shooting of the gun. Be a better straight person and learn how to aim, or don’t shoot at all! Marcus feels sorry for Rumor and goes after him to save his best friend, leaving them all separated, yet again. Ilsa gets chased around by the killer, as he finds a hatchet. She runs to hide and eventually gets away but passes by Rumor who becomes the next victim and brutally attacked to death with a hammer to the head, then gouged in the skull with a fisherman’s hook, and dragged away into darkness, still alive. Poor dweeb!
Ilsa and Marcus reunite and try to plan their escape. Shortly after, Dwayne joins them and Ilsa runs to Sarah to set her free knowing that she couldn’t be the killer. They get to the room and notice that she broke away. At this point, the three decide to venture to the car parked in some random ass place that isn’t the driveway by going through the creepy woods! They find Rumor’s dead body strung on a tree, causing further panic.
They finally get to the mom van at the middle of nowhere and notice that it has been broken in. They find Sarah trying to jumpstart the vehicle and tries to tell them who the killer is. But before she could say the name Dwayne Hellraisers her and shoots her numerous times in the head with the nailgun. Once the three get in the car, Ilsa remembers that she hit the killer in the face when she was chased and realized that Dwayne had a gash on his face, causing suspicion to escalate further towards him. She and Marcus confront him, and he tries to rationalize his reasoning, causing the two to eventually stangle him to death with jumper cables. Marcus tells Ilsa that “We won!” and now makes Ilsa more suspicious of him. She gets more paranoid that they may have not killed the killer afterall. Marcus calms her crazy ass down and eventually jumpstart the car before Marcus gets attacked with the shit shovel. Ilsa runs off into the woods, while the two fight. Marcus puts up a grand fight before getting shanked in the side by that cheese knife and then bashed repeatedly by the shovel.
We then pickup to what happened in the beginning scene. Ilsa runs through woods…to shed…blah blah blah (when will this movie end already?!). But in case if you need a recap of my recap, either scroll up to the second paragraph, or allow me to copy and paste my nonsense:
“We open the movie to a girl who runs through the woods screaming in terror. She takes a lean on a tree, crying about god knows what…probably cramps. Eventually, she finds an abandoned shed where she hides on the side. She covers her mouth since her stupid breathing is too loud that it could attract attention. I’m assuming she is a mouth breather. As the killer gets closer to her, she grabs a rock to prepare herself for an attack, but it backfires since she sucks at defending herself and gets knocked to the ground. She pants in fear and looks surprised as she found out whodunnit. “It was you the whole time?!””
It is revealed that Dominic is the killer. Surprise! He wasn’t dead! He then reveals the dumbass motive for the entire night. He was number four on Harvard’s waitlist. Mariko, Kenji, and Ilsa were ahead of him on the list. His intention was to just have those three over for the weekend but had increase his kill count due to the other unexpected guests. He even had his dad, who is conveniently revealed to be a cop at this point, take a convict out and allow Dominic to tie him up as a hostage at the tree to let him loose when this is all over to frame him for the murders. Stupid. I will not go into too much more detail, the movie does it for me. Dominic LITERALLY recites a god forsaken dissertation in detail about what he did and where he was every time! It took five minutes for him to recite this shit! Seriously, Dominic…There is no need to write a paper about this. You didn’t get into Harvard. There is no need to write a book about this.
After twenty-six chapters of Dominic’s boring presentation of his kills without any powerpoint presentations, Ilsa blinds him with moss and runs away, getting back to the van where she finds Marcus collapsed. She then goes for the nail gun sitting next to Pinhead’s daughter, empty. So, to be resourceful, she tries to take a nail out of Sarah’s head. She awakens from the pain…not dead, while Ilsa goes Jigsaw on her to grab some ammunition. She of course misses most of them and gets him in the neck but, gets her to the ground before going in for the final kill. Sarah silently pulls more nails out of her head to load the gun and shoots him straight in the forehead as he collapses straight over her face and drips blood over her, like a hot, red shower. She soon after gets startled by Marcus who is also still alive with his face looking bashed in, and the three get into the van to make their escape.
Cuts to the morning with sad music. Sara and Marcus are collapsed in the backseat looking horrible while poor little Ilsa has basic flesh wounds in comparison to them. She better not complain! As she drives away, she takes a slip of paper out of her pocket, showing that she drew the “Killer” slip in the game. So, I guess her, and Dominic are even. Ilsa takes Harvard away from him…Dominic takes her role as killer in the game away from her.
The end. Thank god!
Overall, I am not a fan of this movie. Dominic’s motive is so dumb in my opinion. Who kills people because they didn’t get into Harvard? Why didn’t he apply to safety schools? What kind of cop lends a convict to be staged as a killer to help their son get away with murder? Lots of unanswered questions that I don’t even want to try and figure out and not waste my time any further.
Now let’s hand out some awards…the only awards that these actors will get for this movie!
The Haunted Hunk award will go to Dominic. I’m not one to judge appearance to adolescents. However, Dwayne was a major douchebag. Abs don’t really win awards! Take notes peeps. As annoying and whiny as Dominic is throughout the movie, I liked his mystery.
The Killer Slay award-aka best kill-will go to Rumor. His death was pretty brutal! Hammered in the head repeatedly, and then a hook through the eye socket and dragged away to be strung up against a tree while alive is kind of badass. Plus, they show it all…so it was cringeworthy even for me.
The Basic Beheading award-aka worst kill-will go to Dominic. For as gruesome as the deaths were, and with Sarah becoming a pinhead with many nails in the head, I felt like they could’ve ended the final kill to be more than just one nail through the forehead.
Rating 4/10 ****
I would give this movie a smaller rating. However, the acting was decent. It wasn’t like they had Kristen Stewart from Twilight in there. These people were mostly convincing. The death scenes were actually done well too. I just am so turned off by that stupid killer motive! It was also obvious who the killer was within the first half of the movie. Normally, I like to figure out killers as soon as possible. But I felt like they could’ve done with less context clues.
And there you have it! Another beatdown complete! I will be posting these recaps as often as I can! I will be at least doing these bi-weekly. You may be lucky enough to get them weekly. It will just depend on the workload with my writing. Next post, we will be resuming our gaming spirit, by playing along with a group of desperately money hungry folks in “Would you Rather”! If you don’t want to be spoiled…do your homework and watch it ahead of time, so that you follow along with my synopsis and understand the humor I attach to horror. If there is anything you would like for me to add in my beatdowns, have movie suggestions, or even have any feedback to give me, go to the “Contact” section of my website and shoot me an email.
Don’t take my comments or humor too seriously. After all…it’s just HORROR! And horror is sooo gay…right?
Until next time…keep slaying!