Today, I will briefly talk about a question that I’ve received since I came out over ten years ago that still gets asked regularly and hasn’t irritated me any less.
“So, are you the man or the woman?”
This question has many different meanings behind it. It derives typically from people who identify as straight, and additionally not aware of the LGBTQIA+ community. I always take a peaceful approach to the situation, as I am aware that some people don’t know the boundaries of what is okay to ask somebody like me. Here is my short answer:
“I’m a man.”
Usually, when this question is asked, it’s related to bedroom talk. Who is giving/who is receiving. The first point of my answer is what I would also tell people. It’s none of their business. What I choose to do behind my private life’s closed doors is only the business of myself and the person I choose to be with. People would then assume that if there were feminine qualities in a gay person, they would be considered the “woman” in their eyes. Again, most people are wrong.
It may come as a surprise to you, but gender has no right or wrong definition. Even the most butch or masculine people may be a little more on the submissive side. And even the more feminine individuals may have a preference to be more of the dominating type. I don’t want to go too much into detail since this is a conversation that can be had more personally, and I do have a lot of allies that I don’t want to make anybody feel uncomfortable with forcing bedroom talk.
Even in regards to just relationship structure, you may be surprised that what you assume their qualities would be translatable in how they handle themselves in a relationship. Don’t assume.
What I will leave with you is this. I am a man. I identify as one. I have male parts. I prefer he/him preferences. Who gives a hoot what my choice is. Just because they are not your idea of “normal,” meaning a straight couple, doesn’t make me less of a man. If you see somebody with a different gender identity or preferences, it doesn’t make them less of who they want to be. So I am going to cut to the chase and tell you an even shorter answer if you have any curiosity to this question if you know of somebody who identifies as LGBTQIA+:
“It’s none of your business. Stop asking.”
On a different subject, my debut novel, Cardinal Rules will be making its debut on March 12th. There will be an upcoming post with a summary of the plot and cover.
Keep yourself in tune with my blog by joining me every(sometimes every other) Thursday for my Horror Movie Beatdown, where I will be breaking down movies. I will summarize, humorize, and maybe even crystalize(not really) a select film from my gay point of view. Trust me. It will be a lot of fun!
Also, if you have any topics you want me to discuss on my Sunday posts, which tend to be on the more serious side of LGBTQIA+ issues, reach out to me in the “Contact” section of my website and drop an email on what you would like for me to talk about. I try not to go too deep into the talks…I’m just getting you all warmed up!